When to Break a Promise

Sue Bohlin's picture

An important part of integrity is keeping one’s word. But are there times when breaking a promise is the right thing to do? I think so. And I think God is honored when we do.

We need to make a distinction between giving our word on a legitimate matter—such as wedding vows, signing a legal contract, or even promising to bake six dozen cookies for the PTA bake sale—and making promises that are foolish or sinful in the first place.

I know a number of women struggling to disengage from emotionally dependent relationships with other women. Emotional dependency is putting all your emotional and relational eggs in another’s basket, so to speak—needing another’s attention, affection and approval as desperately as a baby needs her mama. Making huge promises is part of the manipulative glue that holds these relationships together: “I will always be here for you.” “I will always take your calls and return your texts.” “I’ve never loved another like I love you and I always will.” “I will never hurt you.”

When women come to the point of recognizing these relationships are not God’s intention for either of them, they often struggle with their promises as if they were inviolate and carved in stone. Yet the bigger issue—which they need help to see because brokenness keeps us bound up in blindness—is that keeping some promises means sinning against God. In that case, obedience to God is the better choice, even if it means breaking a promise that never should have been made in the first place.

In that case, the right thing to do is repent of making the promise, confess it as sin, and turn in obedient trust to God, depending on Him for help in the painful process.

Recently, a friend who is getting help extricating herself from a sinful relationship told one of her helpers, “But when my friend comes over to help me get out of bed in the morning because I’m depressed, I would be an awful person if she drove all the way over here and I didn’t answer the door and let her in.” The helper wisely responded, “You’re concerned about being an awful person for not answering the door, but you’re in a relationship with a married woman! What about the adultery? Which one is the sin?”

Sometimes, we make promises we shouldn’t make because we didn’t check first with God. Many years ago, our church choir director arranged a day-long seminar with a very wise man. One thing he said stopped me in my tracks: “Why are you here? The need is not the call; the call is the call. If God did not call you to this ministry, then you’re not available for what He wants you to be doing.” I realized I had never asked the Lord if He wanted me to sing in the choir, and when I asked, He said no. Embarrassed, I tendered my resignation so that I’d be available for the “something else” that He actually wanted me to do—which, it turns out, was teaching women’s Bible study. Both the women in the study and the other singers in the choir can testify that I am a far better teacher than singer!

Are there promises you should break so you can say “yes” to God instead?


Hi Sue,
I have a best friend. Incidently we had a small quarrel between us. She became so angry and said to me to go away from her life. I tried to convince her. But i don't know what happened suddenly but she said that she will be happy if we break our friendship. I too agreed just for her happiness. She asked me to promise on her.. And i too promised without my wish. Later we felt bad for this stupid decision. And also we are not able to break promise.. We both are unhappy now.. Is there a way to break this promise? is it a sin? Please advise. We want to be friends again.

My daughter is a sociopath, she has betrayed and lied to two Christians, about me, when they gave their word that we'd share our two grand girls, and the Christians broke it with me, right after they received custody thru a very cold email soon after my sons death, as I was grieving!!   Their daughter committed suicide prior my sons death!  I trusted the Christians, and they betrayed me, now I know who the culprit was, my own,,, now diss owned, told most vicious lies on me!!! The Christians would NOT SPEAK TO ME ON THE PHONE, NOR EXPLAIN WHY THEY BROKE THEIR PROMISE!  Now,I know that it was them they had to promise, and the one to me WAS BROKEN!! I tried telling the Christians about her at the funeral home, and they still believed the con artist!!! Now, and ever since, I'M TORTURED OVER NOT BEING ABEL TO SEE OR TALK TOO THEM, PLEASE ANSWER?

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