Last week my dear friend Sandi Glahn wrote another boffo blog post about the myths of infertility, which included some of the dumb things people say.
It may be insensitivity or a lack of education that spurs people to say things that are unhelpful at the least and downright hurtful much of the time. I still remember my own daggers to the heart after our first baby died nine days after her birth. And for the past several years, I have been collecting actual quotes said to those already in pain.
So here's my current list of What Not To Say when someone is hurting:
Don’t start any sentence with “At least. . . .”
• “At least you didn’t have time to really love her.”
• “At least he’s in heaven now.”
• "At least you have two other children."
• "At least that's one less mouth you'll have to feed."
• "At least it didn't have to go through the pain of birth."
• "At least you've had a good life so far, before the cancer diagnosis."
Don’t attempt to minimize the other person’s pain.
• “Cancer isn’t really a problem.” (e.g., Shame on you for thinking that losing your hair/body part/health is a problem.)
• "It's okay, you can have other children."
Don’t try to explain what God is doing behind the scenes.
• “I guess God knew you weren’t ready to be parents yet.”
• "Now you'll find out who your friends are."
• "This baby must have just not been meant to be."
• "There must have been something wrong with the baby."
• "Just look ahead because God is pruning you for great works."
• "Cancer is really a blessing."
• "Cancer is a gift from God because you are so strong."
Don’t blame the other person:
• “If you had more faith, your daughter would be healed.”
• “Remember that time you had a negative thought? That let the cancer in.”
• “You are not praying hard enough.”
• "Maybe God is punishing you. Have you done something sinful?"
• "Oh, you're not going to let this get you down, are you?" (Meaning: just go on without dealing with it.)
Don’t compare what the other person is going through to ANYTHING else or anyone else’s problem:
• "It's not as bad as that time I. . ."
• “My sister-in-law had a double mastectomy and you only lost one breast.”
Don’t use the word “should”:
• "You should be happy/grateful that God is refining you."
Don’t use clichés and platitudes:
• "Look on the bright side."
• “He’s in a better place.”
• “She’s an angel now.” (NO! People and angels are two different created kinds! People do not get turned into angels when they die.)
• “He’s with the Lord.”
Don’t instruct the person:
• “This is sent for your own good, and you need to embrace it to get all the benefit out of it.”
• “Remember that God is in control.”
• “Remember, all things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28 is powerful to comfort oneself, but it can feel like being bludgeoned when it comes from anyone else.)
What TO say:
• “I love you.”
• “I am so sorry.” You don’t have to explain. Anything.
What TO do:
• A wordless hug.
• A card that says simply, “I grieve with you.”
• Instead of bringing cakes, drop off or (better) send gift certificates for restaurants or pizza places.
And pray. Then pray some more. It's the most powerful thing we can say or do.
Tapestry features leading Christian writers and thinkers who have come together to engage culture from a biblical worldview. For more information about the contributors, please see the 
As I write this, it is the fall of 2009. There is much I could write, but I don't want to give away too much identifying information about myself.
My mother died about a year ago. I don't know what is worse: the insensitive comments uttered by people, or being totally ignored when I need support.
I feel so angry and disappointed that I am not getting the support I need and want. I am totally mystified by people's lack of concern, that they can't be bothered to pick up a phone and see if I need to talk.
One group of people immediately sent me sympathy cards after I informed everyone of the death, but that was the last I heard from them.
These people never bothered to write me, phone me, or e-mail me again. It's like the initial sympathy card or e-mail was sent out of nothing more than politeness, not that they truly cared.
At least a few of these people who I contacted about the death, who I knew for years, totally ignored my mother's death. Didn't even get a sympathy card from these people.
Even so-called fellow Christians who have lost their own mothers have handed me cliches and platitudes, like some of the ones on your list.
I started going to a new church about two months ago, and one age 60ish lady there (I am much younger than she is) mentioned that her own mother died a few years ago. You'd think that would clue her in on how to behave towards my situation, right? Wrong!
This woman frequently hands me cliches (such as "Pray more," or "Just turn to God"). I know this woman means well, but...
That is offensive to me because it's implying that I am not praying or "turning to God" when in fact I have been doing those things all along. I've been a devout Christian my whole life, and I've been close to God since childhood.
Another aspect I resent about such advice is this: Prayer, church attendance, and Bible reading are not instant cures for grief and heartache, sorry. Mourning is a process, a very long process.
Prayer, Bible study, and church service attendance are not substitutes for a person to sit along side you and hold your hand as you cry your eyes out, or listen to you as you talk.
Either that lady I mentioned above hands me cliches, or at other times, she implies, in a very polite way, that it's self-centered and selfish of me to experience pain at the loss, or that I feel a need to talk about it.
She and one of my Aunts has actually told me a few times that I need to "think more about other people than about yourself" (again, the implication is that I am selfish or self centered). The church lady especially tends to say that line in a frustrated tone of voice, as though she is angry at me, not as though she's saying it in a loving way out of concern.
Since my mother died, I have in fact been helping other people, even though I did not feel like it, and even though I am in emotional pain myself. However, helping other people (including spending time at a charity helping those less fortunate) has not helped me or cheered me up.
For this church woman, or for anyone, to imply that what I'm going through is self-centered in any way, shape, or form, is untrue, and it is very offensive, rude, hurtful, and ignorant. It also adds more damage to someone who is already damaged.
This lady at my church, as well as one immediate family member, also keeps mentioning that "other people have it worse" than I do.
Well, yeah, I realize there are people in the world in worst situations than I'm in, but you know what? That doesn't change the fact that I am still hurting and still missing my Mom.
There are other problems with other people I've had since my mother's passing that have hurt me, but I'm trying not to give away too much information about myself. I think what I have written gives you an idea of some of the insensitivity I've been exposed to.
To Brandon Monson in the first post who said,
"I don't see anything wrong with that [citing certain Bible verses to a hurting person]"
I don't mean this in a sarcastic way, but I can only guess from your remark that you've never experienced a death of a close loved one. If you had, I doubt you would feel this way.
Brandon, I think you have to take it on a case by case basis. Some Christians who have experienced a death might not mind such comments offensive, but some might.
I think it depends on who is doing the Bible verse quoting, how they're doing it, when they are doing so, and how often they do so.
Quoting Bible verses at someone who just had a loved one die can be construed and viewed by that person as being a quick, cheap, easy answer, and therefore it will be seen as thoughtless and hurtful, not helpful.
Quoting Romans 8.28, or some such verse, might come across as though you don't genuinely care, because let's face it, it does not take much imagination or effort for a Christian to trot out a well-known Bible verse in a time of heartache.
The grieving person would likely appreciate it so much more if you gave of your time: sit with them and let them talk to you about what they are feeling for however long they need to talk, or phone them, and let them really talk about the pain they are experiencing. That will be more thoughtful and valuable than just quoting a verse at them.
By quoting verses such as Rom 8.28, you're also inadvertently pinning blame on God for the loved one's death. By saying "God is in control" and other such comments, you're making it sound as though God killed the person.
I personally did not experience anger at God when my mother died, I don't blame him for her death, but many people are quick to blame God when a parent, child, spouse or whomever dies. If you quote Ro8.28 at the person, you are only going to re enforce that anger at God, if that anger is already there.
Dear friend,
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.
I just wince at everything you've said, which you have said with great articulation.
I am so sorry.
Sue, just the fact that you read my message and cared enough to take the time to reply to my message, means a lot, it really does.
I notice that you have taken the time out to respond to each and every hurting person that has posted here, and so I think highly of you for that. One of the reasons I posted at this blog is because you seem like a genuinely caring person, and I felt I could trust you.
I have some extended family in the area I live in now, and they are all well aware of my mother's death and other issues I am struggling with, and yet other than major holidays, they don't invite me over to their homes or phone me to ask how I'm doing, all of which is hurtful.
As a Christian, I've made a choice to forgive all these people, but I sometimes still feel hurt and anger. Losing Mom has been hard enough, but either not getting support from other people, or getting insensitive comments, makes it harder.
Thank you again for replying to my post. :o)
• “Remember that God is in control.”
• “Remember, all things work together for good for those that love God and are called according to His purpose.” (Romans 8:28 is powerful to comfort oneself, but it can feel like being bludgeoned when it comes from anyone else.)
I don't see anything wrong with that
im only a junior in highschool.my bestfriend.lost someone a few days ago he was her best friend and like her brother.he was young like us just a couple of years older but his brother, last year died of the same thing he would be a senior this year. she hadnt fully got over the death of him.and now his brother died.she texted me randomly and told me.she acted like she was the one to blame.because he called her that nite but she ignored his calls.he left her voicemails which she still has saved.but i told her that he loved her that he didnt blame her for what happened to him. that god has his reasons.i only said that because god does have his reasons to doing what he does and i told her that i think he is happy that he was with his brother.because he was still tore up about it.for a year.but i feel like i said something wrong to her.i told her that i loved her and that if anything she needed that i was there and that she was my bestfriend and i know she'd be with me through whatever.i just wish i know one thing that can help her.because it hurts to see her in pain.i dont know how she feels ive never lost someone that close to me.i dont think many things can help someone with pain.but i wish there was something for her.because her and him were in it together to get over her bestfriend and his brother and now she feels like theres noone there to cry with or to fully understand what shes going through.because shes lost him as well.your advice is great by the way.you remind me of my grandma.very honest and wise.
Whitney,
I’m so sorry for this difficult time you are experiencing with your friend. You did well to assure her of your love for her and affirm your commitment to walking through this hard time with her. Sometimes we can fear we said the wrong thing because we aren’t able to make the person feel better, but honestly, there are no words that have the power to do that.
I know it’s hard to see your friend in pain. This is a lesson we all have to learn and you are learning it early: that we live in a fallen world where pain is not an option—our only option is how we will respond to it.
The best thing you can do is point her to our heavenly Father, who very much understands the pain of loss your friend is experiencing. In fact, not only does He understand the loss of His own Son on the Cross, it was a greater loss because they had never known separation from all eternity. So she can turn to our understanding God and ask for His comfort; and you can intercede for her, asking Him to help her see the truth that He truly does understand.
I pray you will learn life-long lessons on how to love someone in pain, because unfortunately this is only the first of a number of these horrible times that you will face.
Respectfully,
Sue
I have had 4 children die in the last 6 years, a stillbirth, a miscarriage, a molar pregnancy, and a full-term loss due to complications of Trisomy 18. So many times, well meaning Christians have said the exact things in your list that have hurt me time and time again, esp. Rom 8:28. These words did a lot of damage and broke my heart. Now I am learning to speak up for myself. But, it has been a difficult journey of pain. We not only lost our children but we lost family, friends, and church family due to the fact they didn't want to take the time to understand our pain. Thank you for writing this article.
Oh Kristin. I am so very sorry to hear of your unspeakable losses PLURAL. . . and for the hurtfulness of well-meaning people. I ask the Lord to bring a deeper level of comfort than you have ever known before.
I understand you accept input from the menfolk so hope it's ok to join your conversation. My post has probably missed the boat and may not ever be read by anyone. But just in case here's a comment that, while not outright hurtful, my wife and I found rankled a bit after it sunk in. And, as we racked our brains hoping we hadn't said it to anyone in the past, resolved to leave it out of our vocabulary for good.
"If you need anything, let me know."
That phrase lets the speaker feel like they're helping while absolving them of actually getting creative and just doing something - anything - that might put a smile on their grieving friend's face. And I don't doubt that any of the folks who said this to us were sincere. I think they might have been surprised if I'd said, "You know, a 16 oz. Mega Mango from Jamba Juice would really take the edge off of my reality right about now". But I think they would have come through.
How much more it would have meant when someone just stopped by on their own initiative with a chocolate shake from McDonald's and said, "Here. I thought this might." Honestly, I'd enjoy the Jamba Juice more but that person would be my best friend for life for just jumping in and doing something. Without running it by me first OR putting the onus on me to articulate what I needed or identify what would make me happy right at the moment. As some of you know, some days just putting one foot in front of the other is all we can do and grief can dull our senses to the necessities and pleasures of life.
So, while not delivering nearly the sucker punch that some of the "At leasts" and "shoulds" and platitudes can, the "Let-me-knows" are off limits to us now as well. We just grab the shake or smoothie and show up. If it ends up in the trash after we're gone, at least we will have tried.
Mark, beloved brother in sorrow,
Thank you SO MUCH for this! Since we are still teaching through Job at Watermark, just this evening the small group women's leaders were talking about what ELSE not to say and do, and the emptiness of "Let me know if there's anything I can do" came up. You are so very right about it substituting for real help, which looks more like a phone call saying, "I'm on my way over to clean your bathrooms, so get dressed," or that yummy-sounding Jamba Juice.
I smiled at thinking about what happens even if the hurting person trashes the gift. They don't have to drink the beverage to drink in the sweetness of being cared for in a physical, tangible way. The memory of someone showing up with proof of their care will last long after the actual item brought.
Thank you so very much for leaving this powerful note on the blog! You rock . . . as always. <smile>
We received a call when my husband died in a violent accident while at an event with our grandchildren. The grandchildren also witnessed (and were traumatized by) the accident. I was in terror not knowing if and what he suffered. I went into in horrible shock at hearing the news. I can't even begin to describe it.
We waited during the next 2 hours to find out from the coroner where and when and, depending on the trauma to the body, if I could go to see him. People started showing up at the house within the next hour or two. I couldn't talk or absorb what happened. Someone pulled me aside and started talking in an instructing tone, telling me a lot of specific details about the accident even though THEY WERE NOT THERE.
They also said, "Remember, you have your family." and
"He was having a wonderful time." and, "He died doing what he loved."
Don't say that to anyone!
My adult daughters started notifying our relatives and friends as well as ttheir friends.. A person chided my 40 year old daughter for making a call to a close friend, saying she shouldn't be on the on the line because, "Your mother needs you."
Another daughter took a call from the people who contacted us about organ donation. A person took the phone right out of her hand in mid sentence and started taking over the call.
There's a difference between helping and trying to be known as "the one that helps."
I agree with you! I can almost feel your anguish. To have someone be so pompous and clueless must have made a horrible situation even more painful for you and your family. God bless you and your family as you heal.
Thank you so much for responding to my note. I've been keeping this experience mostly to myself as I realize people don't know what to say and probably mean well. Being able to write it down and tell someone else, albeit online, helped me to begin to let it go. It also reminded me not to overthink what I say to those who are grieving. Saying you're sorry and listening with an open heart will help more than all the platitudes and advice one can muster.
When someone you know has a loved one die, DO NOT pretend like the person never lived. Ask about them and let the griever talk and cry.
My son died in Feb 08 and while at a family reunion, no one said his name, they were afraid to make me cry. I later had a button made that says;
When you mention my child, I may cry. If you don't mention his name, it will break my heart.
Crying is part of healing. My son is part of me and deserves tears. Please don't spare me by killing him again.
Thank you for sharing your experiences
I'm definitely going to bookmark you
blueoo.com
Thanks.
Barbara, Elspeth, Todd--
Thank you for sharing your experiences. And I am so very, very sorry for your deep pain of excruciating losses.
Sue
After I had lost my first (of three) pregnancies, a "friend" wrote me a letter and told me satan had stole my baby. That took a long time to work through, but I did.
None of the nurses in the hospital knew how to deal with my grief, (this was 25 years ago) so they stayed away. One day a loving, sweet older woman came in, patted my hand, and just sat with me while I cried. Sometimes, no words are needed.
After a frieng of mine got cancer for the forth time and was dying I thought long and hard about what I could say that was true and not offensive.
I am here for you right now
I have no idea what its like to go through what you are going through
I cannot imagine how you feel
.....and then I LISTEN...its our greatest gift to those who are full of suffering.
The only other thing I know to do in the case of a death of a loved one is to mark down the date of the death and send a nice card the following year saying something like "remembering your loss"
When it is not our grief --we get over it quickly. Not so with the one bereaved
Sue, thank you for putting up some of the don'ts - and dos - so that people flub less and love more effectively.
You have a good list going. Unfortunately.
Our daughter died this past May. Our situation at the time and the aftermath have taken its toll on our family and ministry. It is a long story.
But the morning after she died, we heard for the first time, unfortunately not for the last time, "You will see later how God is going to use all of this for something good."
All Christian charity goes out the window at that point, at least in your thoughts. But all you can do is smile and say, "Thanks."
I just remembered another comment to avoid:
"I know how you feel. My dog died once." ARRRGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Post new comment