Adult Children and their Children

When Your Adult Kids Withhold the Grandkids by Lucille Williams
Grandkids are one of life’s greatest blessings. If you are a grandparent you know what
I’m talking about. We get to enjoy them, spoil them, and hand them back. Life doesn’t
get any better than that. On my last trip to visit my Texas grandkids I got to put the 3-
year-old to bed each night. After reading to him I held him sight and prayed for him. I’ve
chosen to keep that in my mind’s eye to overshadow the screams and sobs from him
(and me, minus the screams) as I had to say goodbye. “Mommy, I want to go to Arizona!
I want to go to Arizona,” he begged his mom on my last day there.
Within a few days of being home I got a call that their whole family was coming for a
visit this summer. My heart jumped with glee.
Grandkids.
Grandkids is love at its best. Grandkids = love. I think my heart has doubled in size
since the birth of my first grandchild.
But what if you don’t get to see your grandkids? Or what if you don’t have any grandkids
yet?
While having a wonderful conversation with my daughter-in-law during my last trip, she
said something that really sunk in. She said, “When grandkids are born it changes the
power dynamic in the parent-adult child relationship.” “I agree with you one hundred
percent!” was my reply.
Once your child has a child they are in control of their children.
The relationship you had with your adult child before grandchildren will carry over to this
new formed dynamic. If you showed respect, approval, and most of all love, they will
most likely invite you to be a part of their new family. Even better, if you showed that you
respect and honor whatever boundaries they have put in place you will be welcomed in.
On the other hand, if you’ve indicated disrespect or have lacked adherence to
boundaries, you may not be invited in as much. Or sadly, not at all. It happens, I’ve
heard from many sad and grieving parents when their kids shut them out or keep them
at a distance.
How do we change that? Keep reading.
The power really does shift as your child becomes a parent.
I know some of you may be thinking, “But wait! I am the parent, I am the one who
deserves respect and honor. I’ve earned the right to my grandkids and to be part of my
child’s life.”

I get it. I understand. We all love our children and want to be part of their lives. We have
a deep love and can’t imagine that they can’t see how much we love them and want to
share life with them.
But let’s unpack this a bit…
If we love our children unconditionally we will want what is best for them. I’m sure we all
started our parenting journey wanting to see an end result of a productive loving person
on the other side of adulthood. And those of us who love Jesus, we desire to see our
kids honoring and following the Lord God. Amen?
A grown productive adult stands for what they believe in and becomes their own person.
An emotionally healthy human will make their own decisions separate from us and
honor their family. (These choices may be different than we desired or thought was
best.)
If they are married, we want them to love and adore and respect their spouse and to
have a happy thriving family.
If your child is putting you and your needs above their immediate family that can hinder
the health (it most likely will) of their marriage and family. Do you really want to be that
mother-in-law or father-in-law who causes problems for your child in their marriage?
When we demand what we think is owed to us as parents we cause harm to our child.
Is that really love? It then becomes about us and what we want and what our needs are.
If we truly love our kids we will want what will bring them happiness and joy and
contentment.
Supporting. Encouraging. Approving… is how we can best love, honor, and respect
them.
Part of our children becoming their own person is them learning to stand up to and
disagree with us. I’ve raised my kids to think for themselves, stand for what they believe
in, and to have confidence in themselves.
This is based on what they think, not what I think.
Sometimes what they think does not always lineup with what I think. Just because I am
the parent does not mean that I am always right. And in matters of their own lives, they
are better suited to make what decisions are right for them. Even if they have to learn by
their own decisions—just like we all do—it will make them stronger and more secure
along their journey.
If they ask for advice I am ready to give what I can offer because I love them and want
well for them.

If we want to be part of our children’s and grandchildren’s journeys we need to
recognize that they are the captains of their life-ships and that it’s a privilege to be
invited along that journey. And when we are, it is our responsibility to not cause harm or
friction (to the best of our ability, we all mess up!) but to praise, offer approval, and to
love unconditionally. This will insure more invitations to “sail” with them.
The title of Grandparent is an honor but this title does not equal matriarch. Crowning
ourselves King or Queen Matriarch will cause grief for us and grief for our kids and
grandkids.
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in
love lives in God, and God in them.” – 1 John 4:16