Arguing in My Head

I have a confession: I argue with people in my head. If I’m in the right mood, any real or imagined slight (my colleague didn’t laugh at my joke, my friend hasn’t called in weeks, hubby left the seat up) can cause a whole scenario (well, at least one side of a whole scenario) in my head. I get annoyed; I get self-righteous; I get verbose.

I have a confession: I argue with people in my head. If I’m in the right mood, any real or imagined slight (my colleague didn’t laugh at my joke, my friend hasn’t called in weeks, hubby left the seat up) can cause a whole scenario (well, at least one side of a whole scenario) in my head. I get annoyed; I get self-righteous; I get verbose.

Really, I get scared. I’m afraid of what those "slights" really mean: my colleague thinks I’m offensive and inappropriate for that knock-knock joke, my friend doesn’t like me anymore and will turn all my other friends against me, my husband will spiral into inconsiderate, passive-agressive behavior that will make the next half-century a living nightmare. (hey, I didn’t say they were rational.)

Of course, I don’t actually think about these things quite so clearly–it’s more of an discomfort, a knot in my stomach or feeling insecure. To "fix" the problem, I defend myself to myself. I rile myself up into a red-headed tazmanian devil (only on the inside–I’m not an arguer outside the confines of my skull.)

Hopefully, this is when my husband, my friends, my accountability partner (all who know I have this odd behavior) step in and say something. Rather than feeding the flames, they tell me I’m believing lies, or give me options that explain what happened differently (maybe the joke was lame, maybe your friend is as busy as you are. Perhaps it wasn’t about you at all.) They assure me that I’m loved, and that makes the fear (and therefore the crazy head-debates) go away.

The same works with God. When I’m angry or arguing with Him, most often I’m just scared–afraid that He doesn’t see me, or that He’s disappointed with me, or that He’ll never meet this need I feel. That’s when I need a friend or the Holy Spirit or the Word of God to remind me of the truth: 

[bible]Col 1:21-22[/bible] and [bible]Romans 8:38-39[/bible]

We don’t have to fear anymore. We don’t have to make up interpretations about what things really mean, or believe lies, or question God’s feelings for us. Even in our heads.