Containing Conflict

Continuing our series on conflict…this directly follows my previous post.

Suppose you are offended and have determined that God would have you confront your offender. Pay close attention to Jesus’ words “when the two of you are alone” or, as the NIV interprets the text, “just between the two of you.”

Continuing our series on conflict…this directly follows my previous post.

Suppose you are offended and have determined that God would have you confront your offender. Pay close attention to Jesus’ words “when the two of you are alone” or, as the NIV interprets the text, “just between the two of you.”

Jesus limits the first meeting to the two parties—and no one else should know about the conflict. When I am hurt, the first thing I want to do is call my closest friend or corner my spouse and unload—a huge temptation for women who rely on others for support and feedback. I may try to fool myself into believing I am doing this to gain wisdom or convince myself that I need a sounding board. Sometimes that is true, but more often, I want to give my listener the chance to agree with me. And when the conversation is over, I have given my listener the gift of carrying the offense with me.

If you really need a “sounding board,” go to a professional counselor, trained to keep quiet and far more likely to give you a balanced perspective. If you can’t afford a professional, find a woman who has no relationship to the situation, someone out of state who might understand and could give wise unbiased counsel. Resist the temptation to draw in women entrenched in the issue.

Disregarding Jesus’ instructions by refusing to contain the conflict often births coalitions that later mushroom into factions, tearing apart communities, churches, and families. Even if the two parties meet and resolve the dispute, my listener, who was not privy to the peace process, may continue to carry the offense long after I and my offender have laid it down.

It is here that many women disobey Jesus and sidetrack the peace process. It is here that many conflicts escalate out of control, before the two parties have even met for resolution once. We cannot overemphasize the importance of listening to Jesus here. Sisters, ignoring Jesus’ principle of containment is sin!

Have you ignored Jesus' instructions to keep the issue "just between the two of you"? Many of us have, and many of us can testify that it poured gasoline on the conflict instead of water. Any words of advice for others?