Fighting or Forbearing

In our 21st century culture it seems in every situation someone must be blamed. Someone has to “take the fall” so others can feel vindicated. Talking (read shouting) heads on television argue about who is to blame, and no one seems interested in listening to anyone else.

In our 21st century culture it seems in every situation someone must be blamed. Someone has to “take the fall” so others can feel vindicated. Talking (read shouting) heads on television argue about who is to blame, and no one seems interested in listening to anyone else.

In our personal lives we seek to find a way to shift blame to someone else or to make them “pay” for an offense. We learned it from our first parents who discovered blame in the garden. We focus on our grievance, our offense and often there truly has been offense. Yet living in a constant state of warfare wears on the soul and obscures another truth. We ourselves frequently offend others. Sadly many times we are unaware of our own offenses while we focus on those who offend us. We desire mercy for ourselves and demand justice for others.

I recently totally misread an email and as a result stood up friends who had prepared a lovely dinner and were waiting on us! I didn’t even realize it until after the fact. In response to my red-faced apology and request for forgiveness my friends graciously forgave and overlooked what was a significant offense! They could have broken our relationship but instead their gracious forgiving spirit bonded us even more.

If the unity Jesus prayed for in John 17 is to be realized we must learn how to live in peace with each other. Two seemingly opposite biblical commands inform our peacemaking. In several places we are challenged to go to the one who has offended us and find resolution to our differences. (Matthew 5, Matthew 18) On the other hand, Proverbs 19:11 instructs us to “overlook an offense.”

The older I get, the more I have come to embrace the truths of Colossians 3:12-15. It seems to me that if I demand constant perfection in performance from all the relationships in my world I will become an edgy, irritable and unloving person always focused on my own feelings and latest slight. Rather I believe that the Colossians passage informs the realities of my world calling me to “clothe yourselves with a heart of mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.” The next phrase, “bearing with one another and forgiving one another” is becoming my present mantra.

Jesus words in the Lord’s prayer to “as we forgive those who trespass against us,” seems to speak to this need to overlook and forgive those who offend us. I’m not saying we never need to exercise the kind of peacemaking described in Matthew 18, but I am saying that it is likely a more rare occurrence than we currently practice. Actually, I think we often fail to forgive and overlook but extract our “justice” with gossip and criticism about our offender rather than dealing with the offense.

Biblically we have two choices. Either deal directly with our offender following the principles of Matthew 18 or choose to forgive and overlook. Passing on juicy tidbits about our offense to others really isn’t a biblical option though it is sadly too often the route we choose.

How goes bearing with others and forgiveness in your relationships? Maybe your friend was as insensitive as I was. If we are to live in peace with one another in a fallen world practicing forgiveness and forbearance will be necessary.