Harry and Sally: The Age-Old Question
Through our years of talking with women about ministry, we have observed a frustration from some—working with men who don’t understand or value them. Consider with us the question, “Can men and women really be friends,” and if so, “What would that relationship look like?”
Through our years of talking with women about ministry, we have observed a frustration from some—working with men who don’t understand or value them. Consider with us the question, “Can men and women really be friends,” and if so, “What would that relationship look like?”
Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan immortalized the popular (mis)understanding of male-female relationships in the hit movie When Harry Met Sally. When Harry makes a pass at Sally, his fellow coed, she turns him down with the familiar words, “No, Harry . . . we are just going to be friends, OK?” Harry responds: “Friends? You realize, of course, that we could never be friends.” The rest of the conversation proceeds like this:
Harry: What I’m saying—and this is not a come-on in any way, shape, or form—is that men and women can’t be friends because the s*x part always gets in the way.
Sally: That’s not true. I have a number of men friends and there is no s*x involved.
Harry: No, you don’t.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: No, you don’t.
Sally: Yes, I do.
Harry: You only think you do.
Sally: Are you saying that I’m having s*x with these men without my knowledge?
Harry: No, I’m saying they all want to have s*x with you.
Sally: No, they don’t.
Harry: Yes, they do . . .
Sally: How do you know?
Harry: Because no man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive. He always wants to have s*x with her.
7 Comments
Heather A. Goodman
This is my all-time
This is my all-time favorite movie (although, like you, I’ve never agreed with Harry’s point of view).
I believe that not only is it possible for us to be sacred siblings, as you put it, but that it’s part of living out the victorious life over the fall. If part of the effect of the fall was a sort of relationship death, we have victory over that in Christ. We can again build meaningful community not just between woman and woman, man and man, or husband and wife (as the only co-mingling of sexes), but as the Church as a whole, which means men and women.
I’m looking forward to these discussions!
Sharifa Stevens
The Fall’s Got So Much Power…
I certainly hope that men and women can be friends, since I have brothers-in-law, and brothers from church and work without whom I’d miss out on a WHOLE lot of perspective, wisdom, humor, and line-backing.
But nope, it’s not easy.
I think that many of us are so focused on the Fall, and the subsequent struggles that ensued, that we forget about examining the implications of Jesus’ redemptive work on the way men and women relate to each other in relationships, at work, and oh, boy, even at church.
What if we patterned our relationships after unity in Christ by the power of the Holy Spirit, and God’s ideal design (read: pre-Fall creation) for men and women instead?
Sue Bohlin
Mars/Venus Friendships
It’s been my experience that men and women can enjoy completely platonic friendships unencumbered by s*xual messiness. It helps a whole lot if the people are boundaried and self-controlled in how they handle their feelings and thoughts, not being willing to even crack open an internal door to think of the other as anything but a friend or colleague or sibling.
Taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ, I think, makes it a lot easier to honor each other–and Him–in the way we relate.
Brittany Burnette
Hmmm, I tend to agree with
Hmmm, I tend to agree with Sharifa on this. To me, a central component of the discussion lies in Harry’s statement that "no man can be friends with a woman he finds attractive." Likewise, the question can be put to women: "Can you be friends, and ONLY friends, with a man that you find attractive?" Or, let’s come at it from a different angle: Does s*xual tension ever get in the way? If it does, then can we honestly say that the relationship purely platonic?
Terri Moore
more thoughts…
I have several friendships with men that might be called "successful"–some are couple friends, others are fellow students. It seems the key in these relationships (as it is for most relationships?) is a high level of respect and a recognition and appreciation of the other person as a whole and compete human being. I hate that mixed gender friendships and working relationships have such obstacles from the get-go and am looking forward to hearing more thoughts and ideas from these posts–I think that seeing one another as "sacred siblings" is not only a great book title, but is the biblical ideal!
I think the issues and challenges in this arena might be different for singles and marrieds? In my experience, mixed-gendered friendships seemed to get easier after marriage. Thoughts?
Sue Edwards
interesting question
Terri,
We did not research the different challenges related to the sacred sibling relatonship for marrieds as compared to
Sue Edwards
Wisdom from Women
Thanks, Sharifa, Heather, Brittany, and Sue B.
I hear