Infertility, in Faith
Some days, it feels like my life has been reduced to numbers: 36 (My age, now in the "plummeting fertility" part of the chart). 5 (pregnant teens considering adoption, but then changed their minds), 4 (kids I thought I’d have by now). 3 (friends who announced births or pregnancies on Facebook this week). 2 1/2 (years we’ve been married). 2 (unused tests under my sink). 7,281 (times I’ve begged God for children). Add to these the number of tears, the days I count, the number of doctor visits, the weeks I wait, the dollars forked over every month. Then there’s the worst number: zero.
Some days, it feels like my life has been reduced to numbers: 36 (My age, now in the "plummeting fertility" part of the chart). 5 (pregnant teens considering adoption, but then changed their minds), 4 (kids I thought I’d have by now). 3 (friends who announced births or pregnancies on Facebook this week). 2 1/2 (years we’ve been married). 2 (unused tests under my sink). 7,281 (times I’ve begged God for children). Add to these the number of tears, the days I count, the number of doctor visits, the weeks I wait, the dollars forked over every month. Then there’s the worst number: zero.
When we started trying, I dreamt of what it would be like: the cute way I’d tell Paul, how we’d decorate the nursery, what season it’d be when our baby came. At first, the negative test results weren’t a big deal–we were busy, and it’d happen when it happened. But the months piled up and with it, my concern. We entered the world of Clomid and measurements and seeing the doctor more often than our friends.
It’s been almost two years now, and there’s no nursery upstairs, no 2am feedings, no stretch marks, no colicky baby to complain about. Only God and other infertile couples know how much I’d love putting up with these. But so far, the only sleepless nights are those spent begging God for children.
This weekend, I told Paul that I was just worn out by the prayers and the hope and the emotions. Living in hope means living in disappointment, and I just didn’t have the energy. He asked me how much I’d prayed about this. What?!? I pray, beg, plead God for a baby constantly. Hadn’t he noticed??? "No, not for a baby. For God’s will in this." Oh.
It’s funny, I always say I want my will aligned to His. I know that I’m more fulfilled when I want His will above my own. But I was keeping this one for myself, afraid to ask because I was afraid of the answer. The idea of not having children makes it hard to breathe. If He says no to pregnancy and no to adoption, He’ll have to give me all the grace to bear it. But at this moment, we’re not there yet. I’m just at that freeing, calming place of entering that place where I start praying the prayers He wants to answer. It’s not neatly tied up like a TV show. There will be many more tears and much more heartache. It’s just that I’m starting to go where I need to be for the journey–under God’s wing. I’m trying to do infertility in faith. It turns out there’s a number that’s bigger than zero–it’s One.
Laura Singleton
Laura Singleton’s passion is the transformation that happens when women get access to God’s Word and God’s Word gets access to women. She was twenty-five when her life was turned upside down by an encounter with Jesus Christ. With an insatiable thirst for scripture and theology, she soon headed to Dallas Theological Seminary to learn more about Jesus, and left with a Th.M. with an emphasis in Media Arts. She, along with two friends from DTS, travel the nation filming the independent documentary Looking for God in America. She loves speaking and teaching and is the author of Insight for Living Ministry’s Meeting God in Familiar Places and hundreds of ads, which pay the bills. Her big strong hubby Paul is a former combat medic, which is handy since Laura’s almost died twice already. She loves photography, travel and her two pugs.
7 Comments
Michelle
My heart is so heavy
Hi Laura,
Robyn sent me this link from FB (I deleted my FB account a few months ago). She knew I’d understand. Oh boy do I! Yes…praying for God’s will! God is not a mean God….please remember that. k? He laid it on yours and Paul’s heart to have a baby…whether it means adoption or naturally…..and so He will fulfill your desires as you delight in Him. Ugh, constant news of friends getting pregnant and baby showers. Painful! I thought all hope was gone but I knew in my pleading and screaming and kicking with God that He was going to fulfill me as a mom. I didn’t know how yet, but I knew He would. I can still hear Him saying “wait my beloved, wait”. As I read your blog, I cry. I cry because I know all too well how it feels to be possibly barren. Knowing that adoption would be difficult and expensive. And would I be able to love a baby from another person’s DNA? You know the answer to that one, right? If you’d like to get together just for someone to listen to you, hug you, cry with you…..please contact me. Go to my very first entry of my blog: http://rachel.omega71.com and see what all we went through. I love you friend! Michelle
S Glahn
Infertility Numbers
Bravo! Oh, bravo! Well done.
Sharifa Stevens
You bring a strength and
You bring a strength and honesty to this issue/challenge/point of exhaustion. Thank you for putting the heart of all the feelings that we have gone through into words.
MM
It will happen…eventually
It will happen…eventually your will will line up to His. But you’ll be so busy marveling over your socks being blown off that you’ll not have noticed the transition. I think sometimes He waits for that very purpose…to blow our socks off. When it happens to me, it’s humbling and awesome and NO QUESTION that He has worked miracles.
Hang in there. And I’ll say a prayer that your journey today be peaceful about where you’re going.
Paul
Thank David
I was in the same shoes, my Love. it was only David’s lesson during the Men’s retreat that got me thinking about praying for God’s will, not ours. Now all we have to do is pray and wait for him to let us know his will! I’m looking forward to him telling us!
Laura Singleton
Me too! =)
Me too! =)
Laura Singleton
God is good, even when infertility stinks
Thank you all for your encouragement, support, empathy and prayers. We are so incredibly fortunate to have such a loving God. I don’t know how people who don’t know Him get through this. Even though infertility stinks, God is still good. That gives me peace–and joy too.