Leave Your Tears at Home
It was a typical senior leadership weekly meeting, focused on hearing the latest update on a church project that involved all of us, five men and one woman (me). The young woman, who was invited to share with us details, timelines, progress reports etc, was focused, organized and nervous. After her prepared presentation, we peppered her with questions that perhaps to her, seemed like rounds of ammunition. And then it happened. As we’re discussing how well the project is flowing, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her eyes fill up …yes, you guessed it, TEARS.
It was a typical senior leadership weekly meeting, focused on hearing the latest update on a church project that involved all of us, five men and one woman (me). The young woman, who was invited to share with us details, timelines, progress reports etc, was focused, organized and nervous. After her prepared presentation, we peppered her with questions that perhaps to her, seemed like rounds of ammunition. And then it happened. As we’re discussing how well the project is flowing, out of the corner of my eye, I saw her eyes fill up …yes, you guessed it, TEARS.
The noisy room became incrementally quiet as the men also saw her tears. We thanked her and said “We’ll hear from you again, later,” as I thought, “it will be much later!” After the door closed, the men turned to me and said “What was that all about?” “ Did we say something to hurt her?” “What just happened?” I was expected to do the “female interpretation” for a language they are often sorely ill-equipped to speak.
This was not the first time I saw a woman cry at work. Now I must admit I don’t cry easily. It would take a lot to make me cry at work, so I come to this issue biased. However, after years of working with men I have a suggestion for you, my sisters: Leave Your Tears at Home.
We girls know what tears mean. A breakup with a boyfriend, a misunderstanding with our mother, kids having problems at school, being hormonal, or just feeling “lousy” about ourselves. We also can “spot” fake tears and distinguish between just “whining” and real crying. Men usually cannot.
In her book “ Tough Choices” Carly Fiorina tells a personal story about tears. During a dinner meeting discussing the upcoming strategies for oral presentations, the “senior-most executive” man asked her what she thought was a serious question. “ ..but after a minute he laughed and interrupted me: ‘Carly, we’ll have plenty of time to decide on our strategy. I was wondering: maybe you shouldn’t be one of our presenters. I know some of you women can’t take the pressure. We don’t want you losing your cool in there.” Now, we can relate to her initial reaction: the blood rushing to her face, excusing herself and going to the parking lot, very angry and she writes “I was crying.” Later that night when she got home and cried some more, she decided to “save her tears for more important things” like “her family, the beauty of nature, Beethoven, a dear friend…..” She decided to Leave her Tears at Home.
Let me be clear, there will be events in the workplace that may cause all of us to cry. I remember crying with a co-worker who was battling breast cancer, a friend whose husband had left the family, a death of a loved one. Churches are full of hurting people that need you to cry with them at times.
I’m not talking about that.
Women desiring to grow in leadership in the workplace, Leave your Tears at Home.
Do you agree with me?
Dianne Miller
Pursuing her life passion to teach the Word of God, train leaders and connect people in community, Dianne Miller has dedicated years as a teaching leader in Bible Study Fellowship as well as directing Women’s Ministries at the Church of the Apostles in Atlanta, Georgia and Northwest Bible Church, Dallas, Texas. Most recently, she was the Minister of Community at Northwest. She earned a Master in Biblical Studies from Dallas Theological Seminary. Dianne celebrates 45 years of marriage to her husband Brad. They have three children: Carrie who is married to Michael, Matt who is married to Bess, and Brent who is married to Shea. Her greatest joy is her seven grandchildren, Olivia, Hammer, Raleigh, Madeleine, Morgan, Connell, and Lelia.
8 Comments
stacy laurie
leave your Tears at home
A Christian is a Christian at work at home,anywhere. Church is a place where the Spirit of God will rescue a person maybe just needing compassion. A place, church or a local bar down the street… ESPECIALLY for those filled with God`s Spirit would never have let that woman leave. I for one am very happy that Jesus didn`t leave His tears of pain (PHYSICAL and EMOTIONAL) at home that day…., knowing His own children hated Him, were torturing Him, spitting on Him while He hung without any clothing…they were being gambled on right before HIS dying, loving, forgiving self… BLOODY AND SUFFERING because His own children denied Him. I will pray that the God of Love will help you and those who did not go after that woman…maybe she was hoping to find Jesus that day…yes, even monday thru friday people look for and find Jesus.
We are all raised in many households, but it is ONE household where we learn about Love, Jesus will tell you if you read His Word. Why ask other`s who may not have read the true answer in the Book of Love, the Word left to us to answer our questions. I pray you don`t have “itching ears” and just want to hear what agrees with your views.
stacy laurie
Anonymous
Sorry
I am so sorry i called you a b****. This blog makes you sound rather heard hearted. My comment made me sound even worse.
Doylene Brents
Tears
I agree that tears should be left at home. I don't want to see a man or a woman cry in a professional setting. I think it shows weakness and a lot of people will take advantage of that weakness. I lost a brother in law to a woman who started crying in their work place. He made the big goof of asking what was wrong. Sometimes that's what tears in the work place can lead to. Doylene
Dianne Miller
Happy I’m getting some conversation
One of the challenges of writing (whether email or letters or blogs) is only 13% of what I’d like to communicate gets transferred to you, the reader. This is especially true on controversial issues. It’s why face-to-face is best. That being said- I’m glad people have differing views, so we aren’t all the same (how boring). I do listen to
CC
It grieves me to see how
It grieves me to see how women tear each other down within the church and the sisterhood. And how can God bless us and our ministries when we are doing this?
Tears, especially for women, have a lot of functions in these types of situations. One is stress relief. Another is just the product of plain relief. So before I form an opinion, I would want to know whether this woman was formally educated for ministry, or a volunteer. Was this her first meeting? Did anyone come alongside her to mentor her and prepare for it? If the answer to these questions is, “yes,” then was there something else going on in her personal life? If the answer to all these questions is, “I don’t know,” I have to say that somebody failed this woman.
Actually, I have more questions to ponder in response to this blog. For example, is it necessary for us to be more like men in order to be an effective minister? I don’t think so. I’m not a person who typically cries easily either. It’s a part of being female for many women, though. Being stoic isn’t necessarily one of the men’s better features, whether culturally conditioned or God-given. And this is among the reasons why they suffer issues such as high blood pressure and other stress related physical ailments at a higher rate than women.
I believe that instead of saying, “Just stop it,” (in my best Newhart impression) perhaps the better response should be to explore how God can best use His gift of a tender heart in this woman and others like her, and how we as sisters can best build up the tender hearts in our congregations.
Dianne Miller
Does it make a difference?
CC
I too have more questions to ponder from this topic. You are right, more information is needed to know how someone should respond. The rest of this story is not told in order to elicit conversation from you, the blog readers.
CC
Secular Corporation World v. Church
I think that it does make a difference.
Secular companies are not responsible for our spiritual well being. Their reason for existing is to make money for their investors. When a woman chooses to enter a high stress corporate setting, it’s not an act of service but of ambition. She has put herself into competition with men and other women. Not that there is anything inherently evil with these. The ambition, competition, etc. with financial reward and accolades at the end does tend to lend itself to evil, though.
On the other hand, our gifts (all of them) are given by God to and for the benefit of the church; we are only the vessels. Our reason for existing is to glorify God not in our strength, but in our weaknesses. Leadership in the church is making ones self a servant not a master. The woman you spoke of, for example, may well have been an ordinary mom who agreed (even may have been pressured) to take on a job that nobody else wanted. (My imagination tends to go that way mostly because I’ve had my own arm twisted many times.)
Suzanne Goebel
email
DIanne (Miller) – pls send me your current email addr. Been reading your blogs too–thanks Suzanne (Goebel)