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    Vanity of Vanities

            A sixty-two-year-old man went to the ER. Doctors found a large mass pushing his stomach down between his hips. They removed the twelve-pound mass. It was not a tumor.  The man had swallowed $650 worth of coins. He had a psychiatric condition called pica in which a person eats inanimate objects.          Are you a glutton for possessions?           I did a recent closet inventory to prove I don’t hoard. Purses: twenty-nine; earrings: sixty pair; shoes: fifty-two pair. I see shopping as a boring, time-sucking inconvenience. So why do I have so much stuff?                  …

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    The Tapeworm Gallery: Something New Under the Sun

                December 31 has arrived, though not soon enough. You've counted down the days for Crabatha's departure. I succeeded in keeping you perpetually irritated with her (and Mark) these past nine weeks. I know you will miss her lemon face and nails-on-chalkboard nagging. But no worries. I have someone else in the cue to prick your sensitivities. So keep forgetting Jesus, and keep focusing on your rights.              Speaking of rights, I saw your list—your 2016 Happiness Umbrella of Needs, Goals, Entitlements, and Resolutions. Adorable. I see you want to stop living in the past. Great idea. I prefer you keep your eyes on the…