Thriving Through Conflict?

“You are holding women’s hands to hell,” snapped Sylvia, glaring at Sue over the conference table. Both women were respected, experienced Bible teachers in the same church. Every week hundreds of women sat at their feet to learn about the joy, peace, and love of Jesus. But today these two leaders were embroiled in a conflict that threatened to destroy their reputations and ministries.

“You are holding women’s hands to hell,” snapped Sylvia, glaring at Sue over the conference table. Both women were respected, experienced Bible teachers in the same church. Every week hundreds of women sat at their feet to learn about the joy, peace, and love of Jesus. But today these two leaders were embroiled in a conflict that threatened to destroy their reputations and ministries.

The executive pastor sat between them, attempting to negotiate. Sylvia charged Sue with false teaching. Her purpose was to discredit Sue and close down her rival class. What had Sue done to deserve this harsh rebuke? Had she declared that the Bible was unreliable? Had she taught women that Jesus was not divine? Had she encouraged women to pursue ungodly lifestyles?

No. The charge was cheap grace. Sylvia believed that Sue taught women they were saved when they were not. She accused Sue of being soft on repentance and insisted that she be sacked. Most of the women in the church did not understand the accusation. Most scholars with different views on the issue respectfully agree to disagree. But not Sylvia.

The conflict had begun months earlier when Sylvia barged into Sue’s class moments before Sue was slated to teach. She denounced Sue in front of several discussion group leaders and then stomped out. Sue was shaken but managed to pull herself together and teach her lesson. For weeks Sylvia harassed Sue by phoning her at home. She hired a stenographer to transcribe one of Sue’s messages, created a booklet arguing for Sue’s dismissal, and presented the document to the pastor.
The pastor’s initial response was slow and indecisive. As a result, the conflict lasted over a year with Sue ultimately exonerated but emotionally bruised. A bitter Sylvia eventually left the church. Attendance in both studies waned that year as word of the turmoil spread. Disillusioned women left the church or enrolled in other Bible studies.

I am Sue and that ferocious assault on my integrity taught me many lessons. First, I was unprepared. No one ever told me to expect personal attacks and conflict when serving the Lord and Christians. Some weeks I worked fifty hours as a lay volunteer, and I expected the pastors to appreciate and protect me. I was naive. And I was ignorant. I had never been taught strategies to manage conflict, so I did not always respond wisely.

Second, in the crucible, I discovered personal weaknesses that surprised me. I learned that I was too concerned with what people thought of me. I was a people-pleaser. I was quick to run from conflict rather than face it head on. I thought if I ignored the attacks, they would go away. I realized that well-meaning but unbalanced Christians can be mean-spirited in their zeal and can harm others.
I was almost one of their casualties. But with the help of wise women at my side, I survived—and thrived.

The experience grew and seasoned me. I learned to hold up my head, take the high road day by day, and to perform for an audience of One. Over the years I have witnessed other conflicts and, while I would not describe these years as full of conflict, often—too often—quarrels have arisen. Most have been minor, but others, like the conflict with Sylvia, have threatened the life of the ministry. Yet in these disputes, with God’s enabling strength and biblical strategies, I have learned to hammer out effective solutions, grow in my faith, and glorify Him in the process.

In the months ahead, Kelley and I will be hosting a conversation about conflict between and among women. Our hearts resonate with any women experiencing conflict and our goal is to come together and help each other. We have researched this topic and written a book. We are working on another. And we welcome and need your stories, feedback, and wisdom. What has God taught you? Where are you wounded?

Dialogue with us for the glory of our Lord’s work with women. The enemy has been enjoying victory in our disputes for far too long. Your thoughts?