Disarm Your Adversary

Our goal as skilled peacemakers is to disarm our adversary. To disarm means to persuade another to lay down their inclination to be hostile, so we can talk—really talk.

Our goal as skilled peacemakers is to disarm our adversary. To disarm means to persuade another to lay down their inclination to be hostile, so we can talk—really talk.

Good communication occurs when two people are open, honest, vulnerable, transparent, and looking for ways for both to benefit. Poor communication results when two people are defensive, threatened, fearful of being misunderstood, protective, hiding behind masks, worried about making an impression, and wanting to win.

Good communication is a skill, a combination of using the right words, listening intently, and getting feedback to ensure we are not misunderstood. And that’s just the verbal side. The nonverbal, facial expressions, body language, voice intonation, emotional overtones, eye contact, are also powerful communicators. No wonder skilled communicators are rare!

When we are interacting with people we love and trust, healthy communication is more likely, although even then we experiences challenges. But when we are interacting with an adversary, the opportunity for misunderstandings and harmful outcomes increase. Then add to the mix that women tend to extend the conflict beyond the actual disagreement—both in their personal application and their tendency to form supportive coalitions. Throw in the emotional component and you have the makings of a disaster. No wonder women’s conflict so often ends badly!                

Only committed peacemakers can navigate the stormy sea of conflict. A first step is to disarm your adversary. How? As a leader, you need to put down your "rock" first. When you disarm, your opponent may also. But there are no guarantees. One way to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy adversaries is that the former will ultimately put her rock down too, and she will not pick it up again. A dragon may refuse to lay down her rock. Or she may pretend to put it down, but continue the conflict after it looks like it is resolved.

You may need to lay down your rock more than once for your adversary to trust you enough to be willing to lay hers down too. I never said this was easy. But you must try. Because by laying down your rock, you dramatically increase the possibility of healthy dialogue, making resolution possible.  Can you think of specific strategies that you think might help another woman lay down her rock first?