This past week I walked away from a position I loved. Working has brought me so much joy, but after a year of going into an office, I found myself in a familiar place that makes my life seem perfect, but unbearable for those who live with me.
I thrive in chaos. It’s the environment in which I grew up in and it makes me feel good about myself. Chaos feeds my selfishness and pride. I write better, work harder and I have my own way of doing things.
When things got chaotic with me working, I planned everything from what time my girls needed to get up to what time everyone should go to bed. My teens just loved this!
So, imagine how I responded when something did go wrong, when one of my girls decided to sleep in for “10 more minutes” or someone got sick and I had to stay home from work. Let’s just say “patience, gentleness and self-control” temporarily disappeared from my life.
The idea of working from home—freelance writing—resulted from many moments of desperation. I knew I had to make a change. And even though it felt like someone was prying something precious out of my hands, I resigned to do it because I knew what this meant for me.
Please don’t get me wrong. I love my home, my family and doing the homemaker thing. God created and hardwired me this way. But sometimes I feel out-of-sorts when I’m here in the stillness of my home.
Everything just seems to sit in its place here. Quiet and comfort welcomes anyone. Yet, I feel unsure, disturbed that avoiding extreme busyness makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong. It’s hard for me to remain still, but I know this quiet allows me to hear God clearer. I learn to depend on Him more.
So resigning from my position meant I had “to give up, to relinquish, to give or sign over, as to the control of something, to submit (oneself, one’s mind) without resistance” (Dictionary.com).
I kissed my chaos loving, selfish coping mechanisms goodbye. I let go of my pride and my frantic state of mind and I asked for help. I repented and I welcomed forgiveness.
I now stand out in the open—vulnerable, a mess and insecure.Yet, I can honestly say I’m fine because it no longer requires work. Instead, I’ve embraced the grace of God. And I will continue to try to do my best to extend His grace and truly love those who live with me and those who God puts in my life.
This past week I came home. After a year of chaos and craziness, I gave up what I most desired so I could depend on God. It’s not easy. Today, I find myself in a loving place that makes my life purposeful and meaningful, but only because I’m trusting in Him, in the One who has set me free.