Again and Again and Again

So, I’m moving again. About a year ago, I posted about moving in with my in-laws. Six months later, I didn’t post about moving in with my parents. There’s wasn’t much to say other than it was time to share the “kids moving back home” love (or burden—call it what you will). Now, it’s time for us to move again. We've moved again and again and again in the past year. But this time, it's to Taiwan.

So, I’m moving again. About a year ago, I posted about moving in with my in-laws. Six months later, I didn’t post about moving in with my parents. There’s wasn’t much to say other than it was time to share the “kids moving back home” love (or burden—call it what you will). Now, it’s time for us to move again. We've moved again and again and again in the past year. But this time, it's to Taiwan.

The whole year of living with his and her parents has been based on our attempts to get ourselves to Taiwan. Our first plan was to move there in July 2009. Hence, we moved in with the in-laws when our apartment lease was up. Then we were going to move in September 2009, then January 2010, now here we are finally going July 2010. Like Elijah in 1 Kings 17, I sat and waited until that river had run dry before we finally got our walking papers.

Now, we’ve got the passports, the visas, the job, the place to live, the suitcases, and some of the packing done. You’d think I’d be ready. But, just because you’ve been praying for over a year for something to happen, doesn’t mean you aren’t scared at the thought of it actually happening too. Just ask any engaged couple the night before the wedding or some first time parents on that ninth month.

Excitement and fear are close companions when change is near. Sometimes I have trouble figuring out which one is squeezing my hand harder. I thought it meant I might be faithless (the fear bit that is), until I remembered is just means I’m human. I am realizing my fear is mostly sadness at the good-byes to be said, anticipation for the unknowns to be navigated, and that dash of adrenaline that any new situation dregs up.

Where did I get this idea that fear was faithlessness, even sin? Well, I think it comes from the idea that we as Christians are supposed to be tripping through the daisies of perfect peace all the time. Ah, smell that beautiful aroma. Feel the sun on your shoulders. Sigh that sigh of perfect peace.

Problem: peace comes from the active duty of surrendering things to God. Let me tell you, some days this is a full-time occupation for me right now—not only because I occasionally like to take back a few things I’ve previously surrendered, but also because I keep coming across new things too. There’s no sigh of perfect peace here. It’s more of a shudder.

Yes, fear can be the sinful clutching of everything so that I can get it done my way, or a protective shield because I fear God won’t be there when I need Him. However, it is also an indicator that I need to turn to Him and surrender again and again and again. If I can keep that in mind, then my fear is of use to me, not controlling me.

Perhaps then you’ll see me tripping through the daisies of perfect peace. Tripping being one of my fortes, but at least it moves me to my knees. Again and again and again.