So Pastor Mike asked you to oversee Women's Ministry…
Call 911. I'm laughing so hard I can't breathe…
Interesting that you accepted…But I guess after Liz moved back to Virginia, someone had to step up in your small church.
Did you notice Crabatha's look when you made the announcement at dinner last night?
Or maybe she just had indigestion from her under-ripe, out-of-season Watermelon Onion Salad.
But hey…you surpass most women in piety and holiness. Or at least your generous publicized donations to the crisis pregnancy center, and fluency in Christianese make others think so.
I don't know why you bother going to church. Or praying. Sure, you try to live blameless and upright. (More like shameless and uptight). Your Bible study ladies may have built your shrine. But guess who's not impressed?
No, guess again…
You know he sees how you ride Christian about maintaining a 4.0 GPA. Or how you made Grace cry over a couple pimples because you treated her like a warthog. He's captured every ugly thought about your monster-in-law.
And let's not forget "the incident" last month…
Oh you thought he'd let that one slide? You've already got one strike against you. You know—the thing? That one secret you've promised yourself you would take to the grave? If only Pastor Mike and the elders knew—about your past and your present "activities"—that's one reveal party I would not miss.
If the ladies in your cute little Bible studies knew, they'd oust you in less time than it takes for Mark to forget your birthday. And if Mark knew…well…good thing he doesn't.
What did you say? Some nonsense about grace and mercy? Jesus bled to death on a cross? Yes, I know. I stood there and watched. So? How does that relate to you?
The Bible says, "Blah-blah-blah," and now you've magically relocated to the epicenter of purity?
Help me up…again rolling with laughter.
As an educated woman, I know you can think outside the Bible Belt Box.
The Bible is not doctrine. The Bible is a story—a contextual history book relevant for the people in the story. It doesn’t apply today. No, not even the New Testament. Don't believe me? Read 1 Timothy 5:23. How many of your GI colleagues recommend that for a tummy ache?
You 'mericans are adorable. You think it's all about you. The Bible makes no mention of America; your nation didn't even exist when he died on that cross. So how could he have died for you?
Besides, he died for Hosea's, not for Gomer's.
So now what? Well, you could confess. But we both know it will happen again.
Or you could keep playing your game of Cultural Christianity—the one where you continue as an imposter, and everybody loses—especially you.
My vote? The game.
Warning: The faint-hearted should proceed with caution. The Tapeworm Gallery has as its main character, Tapeworm, a demon out to undermine Christian women. Inspired by Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, this fiction satire series exposes the author's interpretation of what a demon might say to a Christian audience. With data collected from current events, the news, articles, theological study, and face-to-face interviews to uncover context and paradigm, the author feels the blog practically writes itself. Enjoy and please comment.