Women, Choose Your Battles Carefully

I’ll be wrapping up my series on mixed-gender ministry within the next few blogs. Today, let’s think together about discernment–our response to the differences between men and women in certain ministry situations.

 

 

I’ll be wrapping up my series on mixed-gender ministry within the next few blogs. Today, let’s think together about discernment–our response to the differences between men and women in certain ministry situations.

 

 

Brothers tell us they sometimes struggle to understand their sisters’ world. As people, we have much in common—more than the things that pide us. But our perspectives and priorities on particular issues are sometimes miles apart. Brothers need a gracious, articulate sister to directly explain how over half of the human race thinks. Sometimes sisters need to persuade with gentle persistence and sometimes sisters need to hold back.

 

 

I have worked with supportive brothers who did not always understand my perspective. For example, when I served as the women’s minister at my church, a man in our congregation organized an evangelistic training conference. In an effort to guarantee a large turn-out, he suggested a competition between the men and women. The gender group with the most attendees would win a prize. Our women’s team disliked the strategy but they determined: If the women win, we win—and if the men win, we win too— because our men will be receiving valuable training. Nevertheless, the women believed this competition would fall flat with females.

 

 

As I met with the men planning the event, I walked a fine line. Was this a battle worth fighting? Where was the middle ground between acquiescing and aggression? How far should a sister push? I wanted an honest dialogue but not counterproductive wrangling. I prayed, and then consulted with my women’s ministry staff. We considered the inpidual personalities involved and the significance of the situation, and ultimately decided not to fight this battle. (Fortunately, the men later changed their minds without knowing the women’s concerns.)

 

No set rules for ministry conflict exist, and we must each prayerfully discern what is appropriate in each situation. Some situations warrant persistence, courage, and a refusal to back down.

 

Choosing the right battles for the right reasons requires prayer, input from wise counselors, and discernment in conversing. At times, it is clear that my viewpoint will not prevail. A foolish response would be to argue, get emotional, or question a brother’s judgment. The wise response is to give clear, succinct reasons or to ask for a continuance, to wait, and to continue in prayer. Many times I have seen the Lord work on my behalf. He has orchestrated a circumstance or decision that made my argument more logical. Other times, I have backed off, waited, and learned that my approach was in error. I did not have the full picture or I was simply mistaken in my assessment. God comes through for us as we trust him!

 

 

As we learn from the Bible and godly mentors—and as we pray—God will enable us to know how to effectively respond to brothers to further God’s work and enhance harmony. Consider executive pastor Steve Roese’s comments below.

 

 

Sometimes women can be overreactive to men when it takes them a while to get it. The women’s response can be too intense and can wind up shutting down dialogue. I want to say to them, “Just wait. You’ll get your moment to communicate how that came across and you’ll be a lot further down the road if you wait.” Guys can get to the point where they feel, Am I going to have to watch everything I say because of the intense response when I screw up? Guys have a fear. It comes from the feminist movement that says women are really here to take over. It can appear that there is no grace for the men. We all have to give some space to figure out how to do this. I want to win the war, not every battle, and the war will only be won when we are equally effective and equally unleashed for the Kingdom. We say to the women, “Welcome to the staff—join the party.” The reality is that we want to be effective for Christ long-term, and that does mean that some of our communication styles need to change. But if someone’s hackles come up, men are not as likely to change. Then men tend to dig their heels in the sand. So women, give the guys some grace and think long-term. —Steve Roese

 

Working together as sisters and brothers is sometimes complicated. Somehow sisters must navigate between extremes, asking directly for what we need, applying the right strength but not too much, and resisting the temptation to be pushy or aggressive. Speak up—tell your brothers what you need or think—but with grace and wisdom.

Evaluate Steve’s comments. Do you agree or disagree? Have you observed mixed-gender interaction that might be instructive for others? If so, please let us know.