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The Tapeworm Gallery: Freedom

            I see you signed up for another round of Celebrate Recovery at the church two towns over. Still angry and bruised, ha? I knew it. I think you should do CR again. It worked wonders the first time—especially for that anxiety and depression. So go ahead and rehash all your resentments, guilt, shame, anger and fear that stem from your wholesome childhood. Because I enjoy watching you run in circles. I meant to ask, how’s your narcissistic mother doing? Tell her hello for me. And that I said, “Thanks,” for leaving you emotionally emaciated.

            I get why you don’t feel like praying. Talking to Him feels like talking to your mother. Don’t let that damn church dog you for falling short of the weekly prayer quota. Jesus spoke of freedom, but then stashed you inside a brick box with a steeple on top. I know Him so well I can do His job. I can truly set you free—but without all the strings.   

            Impressive how you played the church game long enough to get appointed over women’s ministry. We both know it had nothing to do with leadership skills—and nothing to do with godliness. One problem. The church wants growing Christians in leadership, and emotionally you haven’t budged in seven years. You fear and worry about most things, and everything else makes you insecure. You’re just…messy. Why would a Christian woman look up to you? You know you feel burned out from leading anyway, because (according to your accountability partner who enjoys throwing empty spiritual clichés at you when she’s not busy Bible-thumping someone) your ministry lacks “Spirit-centeredness.” And “Spirit-centeredness guarantees you will never burn out again.” LOL. What an idiot. For one, she drinks her own Kool-Aid. And second, she’s missed the fact you are not even saved. True Christians don’t struggle the way you do. Faith and pain are like oil and water.      

            I like you though. You’re not the puke-on-the-sidewalk or end-up-incarcerated type of addict. I prefer your form of “clean” addictions that remain under the radar. Nothing wrong with craving love and relationships. He created you for both. And…they lead to my favorite addiction—I’ll give you a hint—it starts with an “S.” At some point you’ll have to get it together though. Because He will only stand for so much disobedience despite your suffering. He can be so mean.   

            I say forget all this “wait on the Lord” crap. Do you want to remain as insecure as you were at fourteen? If not then find your own form of relief. Because I don’t see God rushing to your aid. Your childhood was a train wreck, and your marriage isn’t much better. Your husband says he loves you, but he’d rather watch ESPN and fart on the couch than ask about your day. And he hasn’t touched you in weeks. Probably having an affair. I hate to bring up what you already know—that you’re not his type. After his ex-girlfriend dumped him for being so charming, he married you faster than a Michael Jordan rebound. Your kids don’t talk to you. Everyone just tolerates your presence. (You are needy). Bottom line: you don’t have anywhere to turn. I wish you’d just let me help you. I can protect you from those you can’t trust—anybody. Even better, I can end your pain in an instant.

             Now, don’t tell the ladies in your group you struggle. They will deem you unfit to lead. (And I love it when misfits lead). Remember, pain is weakness. If they see you cry they will know that you don’t trust God. Your faith is already shaken. Don’t shake theirs too. They need the reassurance that Christians never suffer. If you can’t exude Matthew 5:48 perfection, what’s the point?

            You could try again to pray away those tears—since that used to work oh so well. God will come through for you. Yeah right. Remember: I am the only one on your side. Let me help you end your pain. Promise me you’ll think about it?

~Tapeworm

Warning: The faint-hearted should proceed with caution. The Tapeworm Gallery has as its main character, Tapeworm, a demon out to undermine Christian women. Inspired by Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, this fiction satire series exposes the author's interpretation of what a demon might say to a Christian audience. With data collected from current events, the news, articles, theological study, and face-to-face interviews to uncover context and paradigm, the author feels the blog practically writes itself. Enjoy and please comment.

Blessings, Salma

Salma Gundi

American-born Salma Gundi graduated from Dallas Theological Seminary in 2017 with a Masters in Biblical and Theological Studies. Salma has a passion for leading women, and has led women's Bible studies, and multiple small groups for women who grew up in dysfunctional homes. Salma enjoys speaking at women's events, and is known by the catchphrase, "Stop faking the funk—start keeping it real." She hopes to continue ministering to women through writing, speaking, and teaching. Salma, who grew up in California miles from the Pacific Beaches, came to saving faith in 1991 after a Campus Crusade for Christ Creation vs Evolution debate. The (unofficial) black sheep of her family, she graduated summa cum laude with a degree in Feather Ruffling. Her consanguineous relatives consume a strict vegetarian diet, and were it not for lobster with lemon butter sauce, she would do the same. Salma's husband is a psychotherapist, and also at graduate of DTS.