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The Tapeworm Gallery: Shop Talk
Can you believe women today with all their tattoos? Women at work have them. And here you thought only females in prison had tats. I heard your coworker Kaylie has several large ones. Good thing you told her the man upstairs does not approve of defilement of one’s body that way. Even bubbly Jessica who also attends your church has a little dolphin on her wrist. #nominalchristian. This is why you don’t like your daughters leaving the house outside of school attendance. If you could afford to home school them you would…and you wouldn’t have to deal with the office heathens. Your girls…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Shame on You
I see you had a blast with your family last weekend. Here’s something you didn’t count on unwrapping this Happy Holidays Season: your shame-based identity. You know…that assurance that lingers beneath the surface of your thoughts? I meant to ask…how’s that constant state of self-criticism going? Not like you don’t get enough of it from your boss. It helped that your parents used humiliation tactics to discipline you and your siblings. Mother does know best—you can’t do anything right. You always were insignificant. No wonder kids teased you in grade school, and why they always chose you last in P.E. My…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Against Flesh and Blood
NEWSFLASH: Man with Immigrant Wife Elected President by Multitude of Bigots. #classic. But is he racist? Who cares? I don’t need him to be the poster child for jingoism. I just need him to maintain speeches of eloquent diplomacy. So ladies, lock up your ******* because there’s a new sheriff in town. And with him marks the end of civility in the public square. I’ve waited 240 years for this. Since the election, I have kicked back with endless bags of BOOMCHICKAPOP Holidrizzle to watch the show. (Love their Pumpkin Spice flavor.) Forget political parties. The Neo-Nazis have their megaphones back, and now…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: To the Republic for Which it Stands
Five more days and I’m giddy like a high school cheerleader who just made a C+ on an Algebra test. Can’t wait to see the outcome of months of campaigning—and decades of moral decay. I have found the debates more entertaining than a pastor getting busted for child porn. And now it’s down to two skunks competing in a pissing match. I haven’t enjoyed a US presidential campaign this much since 1860. A little division goes a long way. But don’t fret. I’m not. Because this time…I win either way. Never mind the issues. A presidential candidate cannot possess both good and bad…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Freedom
I see you signed up for another round of Celebrate Recovery at the church two towns over. Still angry and bruised, ha? I knew it. I think you should do CR again. It worked wonders the first time—especially for that anxiety and depression. So go ahead and rehash all your resentments, guilt, shame, anger and fear that stem from your wholesome childhood. Because I enjoy watching you run in circles. I meant to ask, how’s your narcissistic mother doing? Tell her hello for me. And that I said, “Thanks,” for leaving you emotionally emaciated. I get why you don’t feel like praying. Talking…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Empty
Your Bible is just where I like it—on your nightstand covered in dust. You have power to make me flee. Yet you never do. What I want most of yours He won’t let me have. So I’ll settle for your time and attention. You make it so easy I can hardly take credit for it, though. By the way, your nail polish is chipping again. And time to redo the extensions on those perfectly normal eyelashes. Because every forty-year-old woman deserves the dark lush lashes of a teenager. Who cares what Mark says? They look natural to me. Besides, letting a non-medically trained kid approach your…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: The Pregnant Pause
WOMAN SEEKING WOMEN 44yo freak with no kids seeks intrusive adult females for unsolicited fertility counsel ambush at next baby shower. No experience necessary. Accosts in room corners encouraged. Know-It-Alls welcome for prophecies, judgments, original advice, and magical remedies. Leave your Bible at home and we’ll talk some voodoo. Scab picker, salt, and $0.02 required. Come hungry. Alkaline water and Apricot Oyster Patties will be served. First 100 ladies will receive free PermaBond Lip Adhesive. *** Why does she respond to your opinionated opinions with a blank stare? Why won't she open up? You're just trying to help. Well, don't fret. I have the remedy. Like nails on the chalkboard,…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Keep Church Normal
I saw your church had a savory visitor on Sunday. That was some big hair—any tiny shorts. Well, she did mention she hadn't attended church in years. Shocking. Someone should have told her the church with the leather-pants preacher is up the street. And that the hookers' convention comes to town next weekend. I sensed your surprise mixed with disappointment at her desire to return next week—and your fear over her excitement to bring her friends. Tattooed, pierced strippers and LGBT's, no doubt. You know—the people too despicable for people, but not too despicable for God. The church will have to Scotch Guard…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Effective Ways to Minister to Women in Pain
As a women's ministry leader, you will encounter women struggling with all sorts of life circumstances. Whether you encounter those suffering "big T" Trauma or "little t" trauma, you will need to employ the most beneficial words or ideas. Timing is everything. The following suggestions have been successful for hundreds of years. I pray you put them to good use. · Distribute invalidation the way a state trooper hands out speeding tickets. To conserve energy try eye-rolling. · Give pat answers about her struggles. Examples: "God hates divorce," "God is bigger than your situation," "Trust and obey for there's no other way," "You need to submit to your husband,"…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Unequally Yoked
What's this I hear? Grace—dating one of them? I bet that got your panties in a wad. And it all started on the MLK holiday when he ran into her at the mall? You don't say. Why does the school even observe the MLK holiday? There are at most ten of them in the whole school. Anyway, you've got to put a stop to this before her father finds out. Lucky for her, her grandfather lies six feet under. Hope he doesn't jump forth from his grave. At least it's not one of those. With those winning the Miss America…
