I had a friend once tell me, "You're not ready for marriage." Her critique left me wondering, though, how in the world does one ever become ready for marriage? There is no graduate degree in loving someone who constantly forgets to clean the sink after shaving. There is no crash course in biting one's tongue when you know the exact words that would decimate your spouse. And there certainly is no true way to ready yourself for a lifetime of being an imperfect person who loves another imperfect person.
Now, I'm not saying don't get premarital counseling, and don't read all of the "How To" books. Certainly there is wisdom in preparation; however, a sense of readiness in light of the realities of marriage can often bring about false security. Saying you are ready for marriage is like saying, "Yes, I am absolutely ready to bungee jump off of this cliff." You may have gotten all dressed up to bungee jump, you've got all the supplies, watched the videos, did the training class, got additional life insurance, but when it's go time your preparation is dwarfed in light of the monumental task set before you.
Yesterday a single mother told me the story of when her son-in-law asked for her daughter's hand in marriage. As the young man mustered up his courage and explained his intentions to this protective but gracious mama, the mother responded to his request with another question, "Do you know what you are asking?" she said. Puzzled, the young man's mind started to race, thinking of all the possible answers to her question, but the mother held his hand firmly and looked into his eyes, "You're not asking for my daughter's hand in marriage, you're asking to sign up for a lifetime of servitude."
What the mother had in mind was this: marriage is self-denial in the form of service. Jesus told his disciples, "I give you a new commandment – to love one another. Just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. Everyone will know by this that you are my disciples – if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35) And what is the legacy of love that Christ exemplified for us? John 15:13 says, "No one has greater love than this – that one lays down his life for his friends."
In marriage we are given a unique task to bear resemblance to our Lord by loving with abandon, an imperfect person who makes you laugh and cry, who uplifts you and infuriates you, who builds you up and sometimes tears you down. But what would it look like if an army of believers were to love their spouses in such a way that people would know we are disciples of Christ? What would it look like to be "quick to listen, slow to speak,(and) slow to anger," (James 1:19) with our spouse? What would it look like for husbands and wives to truly submit to one another out of reverence for Christ? (Ephesians 5:21) What would it look like if we imitated Christ's love, that yet while we were still sinners he laid down his life for us? (Romans 5:8)
So I pose this question…who is really ready for marriage? Who is really ready for self-sacrifice? Who is really ready to love so unselfishly that they would be willing to lay down their lives? This task laid out before us in marriage brings readiness to its knees. Why? Because the journey of marriage is ever changing! It's beautiful and thrilling, it's frightening and dizzying all at once. So instead of taking to the unfathomable task of trying to ready yourself for every twist and turn in marriage, stand on the edge, hold boldly to the one constant we have in Christ and jump with both feet!
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SonShine
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My precious dear writer: God has graciously gifted you. You can grab a reader until they find their way to the end of your writing. What a blessing you are to the Engage group here on Bible.org. Thank you.
gethookedministry
What happens when you wrongly jump in with 2 feet
I have found myself I yet another relationship…marriage, that I thought I was jumping into with courage and enough faith to “weather the conditions.” I believe i was wrong. In 2010 my divorce was finalized after months of court and years of terror. I’m going to exposed myself here and pray that love conquers judgements. That was my 3rd divorce and I’m in my fourth marriage. My previous marriage turned into something most people, unless you know my family, would never believe. By way of 4 churches we attended and 2 Christian psychologists, it was discovered the my ex is a drug addict, alcoholic, abusive narcissist who had no conscious. After almost 8 years of physical, verbal and spiritual (yes, he was a Christian) abuse, I made it out with my life and my children. We share 2 of my 5 children, (ONE from my first husband, he actually passed away when my oldest son was 7, one from my second marriage, 2 from that marriage, and my current husband adopted my youngest baby.) I know, some of you may be ready to start throw me in a fire right now, but no more than I’ve wanted to do it myself. During that marriage, there was the abuse, he kidnapped one or more of my children of 3 different occasions. He physically hurt me in front of the kids and almost killed me, literally, in a moving vehicle when I found drugs in the car. My family all said they just waited for the call to inform them the he had killed me and/or the kids. I want to tell you that I know I didn’t walk into this relationship with a healthy spirit, to say the least. My son’s father had just died in a car accident where he was pinned in the vehicle and burned alive. I was in the middle of my second divorce because he didn’t see why he should have to confront a friend of his, a deacon in our church, who got very drunk and decided he wanted to have sex with me and was irritated when I didn’t agree. That husband told me that be know what I expected him to do…”Other then that, he’s a really nice guy.” Yes, he actually said that. So, the conditions under which I fell into my third marriage: son’s father had just died by burning to death, my second husband still wanted to be friends with a drunk deacon who tried to trap me in a house and have sex with me like it was no big deal, “no one will ever know.” Then I meet my third husband, basically for the first time, (we will call him “Chris”) at a gym he worked at and had given me a free consultation. Three weeks after my son died, while in the middle of separating from my second husband, I meet “Chris” at the gym and see him in his office reading the bible. That was the official moment my will no longer belonged to me. I saw this angel sent from God right in the middle of intense anger at God for all of these current situations. I thought he was sent to me in my time of crisis to save me from myself and from giving up on God. I was wrong. The torture that took place for the next several years almost cost me my children and my life. To save you from a lot my details, I will fast forward a bit. I finally did get away from him, but not before my dad shot himself while living under my chaotic roof and he, Chris, choked my son, 14 at the time, to the point that it ruptured every blood vessel in his right eye. The chaos continues with him through court, drug relapses, even a trip to the Dr. Phil show, his idea not mine. He wanted the world to see me as a vindictive ex-wife trying to keep our 2 children away from their loving father. By now I have married again. Once again, I thought, “Wow, I’m finally going to have someone to live and protect me and help me give my children a chance to heal and give them a normal, happy life. I was wrong. Even though he, ?we will call him “Eddie”) had to really put a good game face in the beginning because I had just recently won my freedom from “Chris.” But Eddie was lovingly sweeping me off my feet. It was a whirlwind of beautiful feelings and what seemed like a completely different kind of love. Being 10 years older and already self sufficient, he wanted to rescue all of us. Another long span of details and this is where I find myself: with an alcoholic, pill popping, compulsive liar, only be physically harmful once when he was completely wasted and I had to go to the hospital for some minor (sexual) damage that healed within a couple of weeks; nothing life-threatening. Since then, he still won’t stop drinking or using drugs, apparently has this mental issue that he can’t help but lie…about everything, his entire life was a lie and he lies literally everyday. We’ve been going to church for several months now, which is something I had thought I would just have to give up because of the damage done to my soul my whole life. That got my hopes up again, knowing the God was the only power strong enough to handle him and the mess I was back in. I became a minister last year and since then had thought, “Hey, this is it; im finally going to do what I’ve always wanted to do, start a ministry at home and run a business that supported it financially. I know that ministry is in my soul but my spirit just stays broken. Actually studying and writing are the only things that keep me sane, but I falter on a daily basis with my struggles with him. For years I thought that I would just be the perfect wife and that would fix everything. I realized too late that my “perfect wife” strategy and skills that I had trained myself in and really tried to dig my feet into, fell too short of saving anything. My oldest son has a wife and child of his own, and im right back where I was before, with 4 children to raise in another chaotic mess. Although Chris was more physically dangerous, I was relatively self sufficient at the end and was able to exit. There is no exit plan this time. I stay at home now for a few reasons. One, I got fired from my last job due to guilt by association and absolutely falsely placed trust. We worked together and he did some things that got him fired. I became angry, on top on some physical and emotional complications, because I made it clear, very verbally, that this company had wrongly accused him and I trusted everything he said happened. Now, I still can’t tell you what actually happened because there’s just too many stories and lies that it’s impossible to ever know if I’m in a normal, honest conversation about anything. But regardless, they let me go because, I “looked miserable.” Which I can say was honestly not far from the truth; it was my first day back to work after being released from the hospital trying to recover from a 42 day migraine and it was the day he officially secured another job. At least they gave me that courtesy, waiting until he was reemployed before firing me. Okay, so after all that rambling, what I’m desperately trying to know is what God wants me to do now. I’m still having to deal with the same, actually worse, behaviour from Eddie, he’s again spending the only income and hiding money that needs to go to bills, “because he’s a grown man and doesn’t have to answer to anyone. I also have a few disorders to content with spawning from Complex PTSD – eating disorder, chronic pain and migraines, oh, and another fun one, fear of leaving the house. I’m struggling to get the business and ministry off the ground, so I won’t have a way to support myself this time, and either way I have to wait until the adoption is final. This is all absurdly crazy, I realize that, and my fault for not seeing the signs of a destructive person, although I thought I would have been a “red flag guru” after the previous marriage. I can imagine what anyone reading this is probably thing: “Woman, you are not fit to be in society, much less try to be a minister.” Trust me, I’ve had the same exact thoughts. But I can’t breathe unless I’m reading the Word and writing for God, sharing my writings through posts meant to help others. I’m not sure why I’m sharing all of this, hopefully anonymously, but I guess I’m in search for a Word from God. I feel I’ve received a lot confirmation to continue with ministry, I just don’t know how to keep going sometimes. With things getting scarier on the home front I’ve struggled with a lot of depression, obviously, to the point that my head tells me to give up. But, my spirit tells me I have something I need to give, to share, and I know that I just can’t walk away from God. If you have somehow made it through this message and you feel like the Lord has put something on your heart, please share it with me. This is my first time on one of these blogs, so i don’t know how communication works, but you can use my anonymous email, [email protected]. Thank you for your perseverance if you made it to the end. Please forgive typos, as I’m using my cell phone and can only see a small window of this message. Be Blessed Beyond Boundaries.
gethookedministry
What happens when you wrongly jump in with 2 feet
I have found myself I yet another relationship…marriage, that I thought I was jumping into with courage and enough faith to “weather the conditions.” I believe i was wrong. In 2010 my divorce was finalized after months of court and years of terror. I’m going to exposed myself here and pray that love conquers judgements. That was my 3rd divorce and I’m in my fourth marriage. My previous marriage turned into something most people, unless you know my family, would never believe. By way of 4 churches we attended and 2 Christian psychologists, it was discovered the my ex is a drug addict, alcoholic, abusive narcissist who had no conscious. After almost 8 years of physical, verbal and spiritual (yes, he was a Christian) abuse, I made it out with my life and my children. We share 2 of my 5 children, (ONE from my first husband, he actually passed away when my oldest son was 7, one from my second marriage, 2 from that marriage, and my current husband adopted my youngest baby.) I know, some of you may be ready to start throw me in a fire right now, but no more than I’ve wanted to do it myself. During that marriage, there was the abuse, he kidnapped one or more of my children of 3 different occasions. He physically hurt me in front of the kids and almost killed me, literally, in a moving vehicle when I found drugs in the car. My family all said they just waited for the call to inform them the he had killed me and/or the kids. I want to tell you that I know I didn’t walk into this relationship with a healthy spirit, to say the least. My son’s father had just died in a car accident where he was pinned in the vehicle and burned alive. I was in the middle of my second divorce because he didn’t see why he should have to confront a friend of his, a deacon in our church, who got very drunk and decided he wanted to have sex with me and was irritated when I didn’t agree. That husband told me that be know what I expected him to do…”Other then that, he’s a really nice guy.” Yes, he actually said that. So, the conditions under which I fell into my third marriage: son’s father had just died by burning to death, my second husband still wanted to be friends with a drunk deacon who tried to trap me in a house and have sex with me like it was no big deal, “no one will ever know.” Then I meet my third husband, basically for the first time, (we will call him “Chris”) at a gym he worked at and had given me a free consultation. Three weeks after my son died, while in the middle of separating from my second husband, I meet “Chris” at the gym and see him in his office reading the bible. That was the official moment my will no longer belonged to me. I saw this angel sent from God right in the middle of intense anger at God for all of these current situations. I thought he was sent to me in my time of crisis to save me from myself and from giving up on God. I was wrong. The torture that took place for the next several years almost cost me my children and my life. To save you from a lot my details, I will fast forward a bit. I finally did get away from him, but not before my dad shot himself while living under my chaotic roof and he, Chris, choked my son, 14 at the time, to the point that it ruptured every blood vessel in his right eye. The chaos continues with him through court, drug relapses, even a trip to the Dr. Phil show, his idea not mine. He wanted the world to see me as a vindictive ex-wife trying to keep our 2 children away from their loving father. By now I have married again. Once again, I thought, “Wow, I’m finally going to have someone to live and protect me and help me give my children a chance to heal and give them a normal, happy life. I was wrong. Even though he, ?we will call him “Eddie”) had to really put a good game face in the beginning because I had just recently won my freedom from “Chris.” But Eddie was lovingly sweeping me off my feet. It was a whirlwind of beautiful feelings and what seemed like a completely different kind of love. Being 10 years older and already self sufficient, he wanted to rescue all of us. Another long span of details and this is where I find myself: with an alcoholic, pill popping, compulsive liar, only be physically harmful once when he was completely wasted and I had to go to the hospital for some minor (sexual) damage that healed within a couple of weeks; nothing life-threatening. Since then, he still won’t stop drinking or using drugs, apparently has this mental issue that he can’t help but lie…about everything, his entire life was a lie and he lies literally everyday. We’ve been going to church for several months now, which is something I had thought I would just have to give up because of the damage done to my soul my whole life. That got my hopes up again, knowing the God was the only power strong enough to handle him and the mess I was back in. I became a minister last year and since then had thought, “Hey, this is it; im finally going to do what I’ve always wanted to do, start a ministry at home and run a business that supported it financially. I know that ministry is in my soul but my spirit just stays broken. Actually studying and writing are the only things that keep me sane, but I falter on a daily basis with my struggles with him. For years I thought that I would just be the perfect wife and that would fix everything. I realized too late that my “perfect wife” strategy and skills that I had trained myself in and really tried to dig my feet into, fell too short of saving anything. My oldest son has a wife and child of his own, and im right back where I was before, with 4 children to raise in another chaotic mess. Although Chris was more physically dangerous, I was relatively self sufficient at the end and was able to exit. There is no exit plan this time. I stay at home now for a few reasons. One, I got fired from my last job due to guilt by association and absolutely falsely placed trust. We worked together and he did some things that got him fired. I became angry, on top on some physical and emotional complications, because I made it clear, very verbally, that this company had wrongly accused him and I trusted everything he said happened. Now, I still can’t tell you what actually happened because there’s just too many stories and lies that it’s impossible to ever know if I’m in a normal, honest conversation about anything. But regardless, they let me go because, I “looked miserable.” Which I can say was honestly not far from the truth; it was my first day back to work after being released from the hospital trying to recover from a 42 day migraine and it was the day he officially secured another job. At least they gave me that courtesy, waiting until he was reemployed before firing me. Okay, so after all that rambling, what I’m desperately trying to know is what God wants me to do now. I’m still having to deal with the same, actually worse, behaviour from Eddie, he’s again spending the only income and hiding money that needs to go to bills, “because he’s a grown man and doesn’t have to answer to anyone. I also have a few disorders to content with spawning from Complex PTSD – eating disorder, chronic pain and migraines, oh, and another fun one, fear of leaving the house. I’m struggling to get the business and ministry off the ground, so I won’t have a way to support myself this time, and either way I have to wait until the adoption is final. This is all absurdly crazy, I realize that, and my fault for not seeing the signs of a destructive person, although I thought I would have been a “red flag guru” after the previous marriage. I can imagine what anyone reading this is probably thing: “Woman, you are not fit to be in society, much less try to be a minister.” Trust me, I’ve had the same exact thoughts. But I can’t breathe unless I’m reading the Word and writing for God, sharing my writings through posts meant to help others. I’m not sure why I’m sharing all of this, hopefully anonymously, but I guess I’m in search for a Word from God. I feel I’ve received a lot confirmation to continue with ministry, I just don’t know how to keep going sometimes. With things getting scarier on the home front I’ve struggled with a lot of depression, obviously, to the point that my head tells me to give up. But, my spirit tells me I have something I need to give, to share, and I know that I just can’t walk away from God. If you have somehow made it through this message and you feel like the Lord has put something on your heart, please share it with me. This is my first time on one of these blogs, so i don’t know how communication works, but you can use my anonymous email, [email protected]. Thank you for your perseverance if you made it to the end. Please forgive typos, as I’m using my cell phone and can only see a small window of this message. Be Blessed Beyond Boundaries.
gethookedministry
What happens when you wrongly jump in with 2 feet
I have found myself I yet another relationship…marriage, that I thought I was jumping into with courage and enough faith to "weather the conditions." I believe i was wrong. In 2010 my divorce was finalized after months of court and years of terror. I'm going to exposed myself here and pray that love conquers judgements. That was my 3rd divorce and I'm in my fourth marriage. My previous marriage turned into something most people, unless you know my family, would never believe. By way of 4 churches we attended and 2 Christian psychologists, it was discovered the my ex is a drug addict, alcoholic, abusive narcissist who had no conscious. After almost 8 years of physical, verbal and spiritual (yes, he was a Christian) abuse, I made it out with my life and my children. We share 2 of my 5 children, (ONE from my first husband, he actually passed away when my oldest son was 7, one from my second marriage, 2 from that marriage, and my current husband adopted my youngest baby.) I know, some of you may be ready to start throw me in a fire right now, but no more than I've wanted to do it myself. During that marriage, there was the abuse, he kidnapped one or more of my children of 3 different occasions. He physically hurt me in front of the kids and almost killed me, literally, in a moving vehicle when I found drugs in the car. My family all said they just waited for the call to inform them the he had killed me and/or the kids. I want to tell you that I know I didn't walk into this relationship with a healthy spirit, to say the least. My son's father had just died in a car accident where he was pinned in the vehicle and burned alive. I was in the middle of my second divorce because he didn't see why he should have to confront a friend of his, a deacon in our church, who got very drunk and decided he wanted to have sex with me and was irritated when I didn't agree. That husband told me that be know what I expected him to do…"Other then that, he's a really nice guy." Yes, he actually said that. So, the conditions under which I fell into my third marriage: son's father had just died by burning to death, my second husband still wanted to be friends with a drunk deacon who tried to trap me in a house and have sex with me like it was no big deal, "no one will ever know." Then I meet my third husband, basically for the first time, (we will call him "Chris") at a gym he worked at and had given me a free consultation. Three weeks after my son died, while in the middle of separating from my second husband, I meet "Chris" at the gym and see him in his office reading the bible. That was the official moment my will no longer belonged to me. I saw this angel sent from God right in the middle of intense anger at God for all of these current situations. I thought he was sent to me in my time of crisis to save me from myself and from giving up on God. I was wrong. The torture that took place for the next several years almost cost me my children and my life. To save you from a lot my details, I will fast forward a bit. I finally did get away from him, but not before my dad shot himself while living under my chaotic roof and he, Chris, choked my son, 14 at the time, to the point that it ruptured every blood vessel in his right eye. The chaos continues with him through court, drug relapses, even a trip to the Dr. Phil show, his idea not mine. He wanted the world to see me as a vindictive ex-wife trying to keep our 2 children away from their loving father. By now I have married again. Once again, I thought, "Wow, I'm finally going to have someone to live and protect me and help me give my children a chance to heal and give them a normal, happy life. I was wrong. Even though he, ?we will call him "Eddie") had to really put a good game face in the beginning because I had just recently won my freedom from "Chris." But Eddie was lovingly sweeping me off my feet. It was a whirlwind of beautiful feelings and what seemed like a completely different kind of love. Being 10 years older and already self sufficient, he wanted to rescue all of us. Another long span of details and this is where I find myself: with an alcoholic, pill popping, compulsive liar, only be physically harmful once when he was completely wasted and I had to go to the hospital for some minor (sexual) damage that healed within a couple of weeks; nothing life-threatening. Since then, he still won't stop drinking or using drugs, apparently has this mental issue that he can't help but lie…about everything, his entire life was a lie and he lies literally everyday. We've been going to church for several months now, which is something I had thought I would just have to give up because of the damage done to my soul my whole life. That got my hopes up again, knowing the God was the only power strong enough to handle him and the mess I was back in. I became a minister last year and since then had thought, "Hey, this is it; im finally going to do what I've always wanted to do, start a ministry at home and run a business that supported it financially. I know that ministry is in my soul but my spirit just stays broken. Actually studying and writing are the only things that keep me sane, but I falter on a daily basis with my struggles with him. For years I thought that I would just be the perfect wife and that would fix everything. I realized too late that my "perfect wife" strategy and skills that I had trained myself in and really tried to dig my feet into, fell too short of saving anything. My oldest son has a wife and child of his own, and im right back where I was before, with 4 children to raise in another chaotic mess. Although Chris was more physically dangerous, I was relatively self sufficient at the end and was able to exit. There is no exit plan this time. I stay at home now for a few reasons. One, I got fired from my last job due to guilt by association and absolutely falsely placed trust. We worked together and he did some things that got him fired. I became angry, on top on some physical and emotional complications, because I made it clear, very verbally, that this company had wrongly accused him and I trusted everything he said happened. Now, I still can't tell you what actually happened because there's just too many stories and lies that it's impossible to ever know if I'm in a normal, honest conversation about anything. But regardless, they let me go because, I "looked miserable." Which I can say was honestly not far from the truth; it was my first day back to work after being released from the hospital trying to recover from a 42 day migraine and it was the day he officially secured another job. At least they gave me that courtesy, waiting until he was reemployed before firing me. Okay, so after all that rambling, what I'm desperately trying to know is what God wants me to do now. I'm still having to deal with the same, actually worse, behaviour from Eddie, he's again spending the only income and hiding money that needs to go to bills, "because he's a grown man and doesn't have to answer to anyone. I also have a few disorders to content with spawning from Complex PTSD – eating disorder, chronic pain and migraines, oh, and another fun one, fear of leaving the house. I'm struggling to get the business and ministry off the ground, so I won't have a way to support myself this time, and either way I have to wait until the adoption is final. This is all absurdly crazy, I realize that, and my fault for not seeing the signs of a destructive person, although I thought I would have been a "red flag guru" after the previous marriage. I can imagine what anyone reading this is probably thing: "Woman, you are not fit to be in society, much less try to be a minister." Trust me, I've had the same exact thoughts. But I can't breathe unless I'm reading the Word and writing for God, sharing my writings through posts meant to help others. I'm not sure why I'm sharing all of this, hopefully anonymously, but I guess I'm in search for a Word from God. I feel I've received a lot confirmation to continue with ministry, I just don't know how to keep going sometimes. With things getting scarier on the home front I've struggled with a lot of depression, obviously, to the point that my head tells me to give up. But, my spirit tells me I have something I need to give, to share, and I know that I just can't walk away from God. If you have somehow made it through this message and you feel like the Lord has put something on your heart, please share it with me. This is my first time on one of these blogs, so i don't know how communication works, but you can use my anonymous email, [email protected]. Thank you for your perseverance if you made it to the end. Please forgive typos, as I'm using my cell phone and can only see a small window of this message. Be Blessed Beyond Boundaries.
Christen Jacobs
hope
First let me say I am so sorry for what you have endured. You have been through some horrific things! Aside from the big things like God's salvation through Jesus Christ one of the best things about being a Christian is the Hope we find in Jesus Christ. There is absolutely nothing like it! No false religion can boast of the type of Hope that you and I experience in Christ. It’s the thing that keeps us going, that motivates us to wake up every day when we don't even feel like it. You know the scripture says that we have joy unspeakable joy and hope that surpasses understanding. The reason why we cannot understand it is that when it should be broken, in Christ, it is not. When we should be completely broken somehow we are not. We all experience this in different ways but I think about C.S. Lewis when his wife died. He spoke of holding on to a rope that was keeping him from sinking into a darkness that seemed unescapable. But often times we feel like we are trying and trying to hold on to that rope but the truth is that rope is actually holding on to us! That’s the way that it is with our Lord. Jesus said that he will never lose the sheep that the Father placed in his hand. When the entirety of life is crashing against you and you feel like you can hold on no longer, the truth is that God's mighty hand is the only thing keeping you from falling in the first place. What I see in you my dear sister is one who has her hope firmly planted in the love of Christ otherwise you wouldn't be in your right mind and possibly you wouldn't be here at all. When you feel defeated press in to that Hope that has carried you this far. Now you need to be safe and your children need to be safe that is a primary concern! There is always a way and in every city that are options and safe houses and ministries that help Women who think they are out of options find the way. I cannot council you over the blog as to how to handle the exact details of this situation but what I can tell you is that you serve a God who delights in giving you God gifts, one who is a protector, a comfort and peace in the middle of a storm. Hold tight to Him and only Him. That's really what the original post is all about. While we cannot perceive the future we can choose to whom to give our trust and ultimately we trust Christ. Our identity and covering is first and foremost found in Him apart from a husband, or a rescuer or the safety of marriage God is the one who hold us in his hand. And He is not letting you go.