Sisters, Speak Up!

Communication between men and women in ministry continues to challenge many of us. As we interact with women, we hear their frustration not only with men but with themselves. How can we learn to communicate effectively as a sacred sibling?

Communication between men and women in ministry continues to challenge many of us. As we interact with women, we hear their frustration not only with men but with themselves. How can we learn to communicate effectively as a sacred sibling?

Many women, for a variety of reasons, are indirect in spelling out what they need or want. For example, of the graduates of Carnegie Mellon University with a master’s degree in a business-related field, male graduates earn, on average, 8 percent more than female graduates. But why? Research shows that the men asked for more money. During the job-finding process only 7 percent of the women asked for a larger starting salary compared to 57 percent of the men. The gender gap in salary would have closed if the women had only asked. 

I teach seminary classes, both mixed-gender and all female. In the mixed-gender classes women students are quieter, but these same students participate heartily in my all-women courses. I see the same phenomenon in Sunday school. Many women speak up less when men are present. But, for transforming ministry, women need to be heard.

For our book, Mixed Ministry, Working Together as Brothers and Sisters in an Oversexed Society, we interviewed Ronna Miller. Ronna is the director of conferences at Mars Hill Graduate School in Seattle, Washinton, where she works alongside Dr. Dan Allender, author and president of the school. Her remarks about mixed-gender communication are below.

Question: How do women change the dynamics of meetings? 

Answer: A certain perspective is automatically not going to be heard in the same way if a woman’s voice is not there. It does not mean that a man will not come up with the same conclusion or decision that a woman would make. But there is something profoundly unique that only a woman’s voice and perspective can bring. 

For instance, if there is some dissension around a staff issue taking place at a leadership level, she may be the one who sees a dynamic of power differently than a man might see, and she may be able to advocate in a different way or add explanation or clarification into something otherwise unheard or unconsidered. It is going to be a unique lens only she can bring. 

That can be a difficult and dangerous place for the woman who is constantly doing such. It doesn’t mean she has something profoundly different to say at every meeting, but she brings an awareness that mirrors what I would hope for all of us, institutionally and in every realm as we move forward—that there would an increasing acknowledgment that a woman’s viewpoint can begin to break down some of these long-standing structures of power. 

Oftentimes the lens that a woman brings slows things down and means that issues have to be looked at a little differently; steps that have been flown through then become more muddled somehow. The temptation for women is to say, “Oh, good grief, I am just messing this up again. I should have kept quiet, because now we are going to have to rethink this whole issue; now I have upset people.” 

So much of the learning curve is to acknowledge that what we see, and how we talk about what we see, is actually worth the effort, and acknowledging that we might be met with resistance and misunderstanding. Then begins the work to educate and help others understand why that viewpoint is valuable. It takes work, and some days are much easier than others. This is where women’s relationships with other women are so important: it is the conversation that I have with other women, some within and others without, that will validate my voice. 

—Ronna Miller 

We also observe unhealthy female communication patterns as I counsel wives. Some expect husbands to read their minds. They manipulate and they persuade with lengthy, wordy arguments, when all they need to do is come right out and say it. Many of us have been taught that it is more feminine to be quiet and indirect—to stay in the background.  Manipulative and indirect practices hinder good communication between brothers and sisters in ministry work places, and frustrate most men, who prefer directness. Most men want to know upfront how they can help. 

Do you struggle to be direct in your communication style? Do you understand the difference between assertiveness and aggression?