The Tapeworm Gallery: And the Oscar Goes To…

            Psst. Hey, it's me—Tapeworm. I know we haven't talked in a while. I've been laying low. But don’t worry. I'm still watching you. Especially at that country club you call church. You know? The Center for Keeping Up with the Jones's a.k.a. Gossip Coalition? God is so pleased.   

            This just in: Your moral and ethical rule-keeping have earned you brownie points inside the pearly gates. I heard some talk in the stellar places about God installing a pool at your heavenly mansion. I also noticed the GC presented you with a recognition plaque for leading Women's Bible Study. By the way, how's that road rage? Still got the Jesus Fish on your car? Don't worry. No one can see through your façade. Except your husband. And your kids. And maybe God. Just don't ever carpool.

            You still have reasons to feel proud though. You went out of your way at the red light to roll down that power window and hand $20 to the disheveled (albeit able-bodied) homeless man. (We both know what the Bible says about sloth.)

            Speaking of sloth, how's your insomnia? I have an idea. Instead of counting sheep, just count up all the ways you surpass everyone else in greatness. Let's see: Scripture memory, Bible reading, time spent praying, generous tithes, perfect church attendance. I'm snoring just thinking about your cumulative awesomeness.  

            At least you live a decent faithful fruitful life unlike many around you. Your unblemished intact family goes on mission trips, you have a successful professional career, and you lead women's ministry well. You are like Wonder Woman without the slutty outfit. (But really—you know you wish you could rock a swimsuit that way.)  You hardly ever cuss, you don't watch R-rated movies, and you never drink. As for lies, you only tell the white ones. And since you worked the soup kitchen on Saturday, we won't tell Pastor Mike you haven't prayed in days.  

            Most important—you are nothing like Rick and Lisa. How could they feign ignorance about the Bible's stance on divorce? Glad you decided to cut them out of your social circle. Getting kicked out of the church served them right—just a consequence of their disobedience. Good riddance.  

            I dig your Christianized religiosity—heavy on the religion—light on the Christian. It's not really Christianity, though. It's just a list of do's and don'ts. But I won't tell. Keeping all the Bible rules to a tee—Jesus had no choice but to save you. Even so you keep wearing yourself thin to earn His favor. Too bad it is just a mask for your anger and insecurity.

            And how's all that one-upmanship working out for you? Does it make you every bit as happy as you knew it would? Let me disclose a little secret. You will never measure up. But I will enjoy watching you die trying. Makes for great Sunday morning entertainment.

            I like your type. You possess none of the joy and freedom of the mature Christian. No surprise there. But even unbelievers enjoy more joy and freedom than you do by a long shot.

            And the best part? You do great things for my cause. I've said it before—The Boss should put you on the payroll. You not only make the GC look enticing, you make Jesus seem irresistible.

            So after all this validation, why all the bitterness? Because God let Lauren get the promotion instead of you? We both know you deserved it. You have every right to boil over. You never miss church, while Lauren never misses a Happy Hour. Plus she cohabits with her fiancé. Is God even paying attention?

            Like the popular orange man America has come to adore, you are self-proclaimed Better Than Everyone. Congratulations.

~Tapeworm