The Tapeworm Gallery: Ten Effective Ways to Help Heathens Love Jesus

Between smart phone Bibles and Hollywood churning out a new R-rated movie every seventeen seconds, the world is spiraling downward too fast. Christian living is losing ground in America, as more millennials leave the church. Before you know it, Christian and Grace will be praying standing upright. Can you stop it? No. But you can slow down the process. Here are ten things you can do to make people want to come to church, and help bring the lost to Jesus. I know you have tried most of these already. Keep plugging away. Don’t give up.

1. Memorize Leviticus.

2. Lose the contact information for any socially inept visitor to your Bible study. Especially if she hadn't showered. AWK-WARD!   

3. At church write down the names of all who do not partake in communion. After service, issue written citations to all violators.

4. Whenever your foul-mouthed neighbor says a four-letter word, run home with both hands clasped over your ears yelling, "Unclean! Unclean!"  

5. Tear your robe anytime a woman confesses she's gone through divorce.    

6. Cast stones at women having pre-marital relations.  

7. Chuck your Christianese Dictionary at the Golgotha of any imbecile who dares ask the definitions of "Propitiation," "Advent," or "Holy Sanctification."

8. The next time you see a homosexual couple at Kroger, corner them in Produce, and declare their marriage invalid in God's Eyes. A megaphone makes it more memorable. Yes, this works. Make sure you do it near the tomatoes. (In a pinch, this works just as well near the eggs.)

9.The next time a bearded, olive-skinned man wearing a turban boards your flight, stare him down and then soil your pants. Discount the fact that he smells like Old Spice, and has two grandkids in tow.

10. Join your male relatives dressed in black for an armed protest at the local mosque or temple. Don't forget the hate signs. When congregants exit, make sure to mock their goofy gibberish language. Nothing hinders a terrorist like a terrorist.

Keep up the good work. The pagans don't see through your façade of surpassing others in holiness, and you continue to grow in righteousness like a Pharisee.    

Oh . . . and Happy Holidays. 

-Tapeworm