Sometimes believing God is more painful than not. Praying for something consistently with no felt response can really smart, can’t it? This is especially true if you’re someone who believes that God does things on the pavement of this life, not just in the next and not just in the spiritual realm. Enter me. I have seen God move in mighty ways and don’t believe material miracles have ceased. What I believe and regularly experience, however, are at odds. You see, I inhabit a body that is largely a nuisance and my prayers for physical healing have thus far been turned down. If I saw Christ in the flesh, I would dive for the hem of his garment. Until then, I pray. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked for God’s healing, but he does. What I do know is that it’s difficult to keep asking, to hope that perhaps entreaty number 2,432 will be the one.
Sometimes believing God is more painful than not. Praying for something consistently with no felt response can really smart, can’t it? This is especially true if you’re someone who believes that God does things on the pavement of this life, not just in the next and not just in the spiritual realm. Enter me. I have seen God move in mighty ways and don’t believe material miracles have ceased. What I believe and regularly experience, however, are at odds. You see, I inhabit a body that is largely a nuisance and my prayers for physical healing have thus far been turned down. If I saw Christ in the flesh, I would dive for the hem of his garment. Until then, I pray. I don’t know how many times I’ve asked for God’s healing, but he does. What I do know is that it’s difficult to keep asking, to hope that perhaps entreaty number 2,432 will be the one.
So the cynicism creeps in. I have seasons where I avoid praying for myself, because that’s where the doubt can no longer be suppressed. My hurt feelings have only deepened since becoming a mother. There is nothing I withhold from my children if good for them and in my power to provide. “Mommy, help!” is all I need to hear to spring into action, using all the resources at my disposal. I say no to ice cream when they haven’t finished their broccoli, but for the life of me I can’t see that physical health equates to ice cream, spiritually. I am, after all, asking for something good. Everyone who struggles with physical illness understands the burden of involuntary self-absorption. It’s maddeningly distracting. If I felt better I would be a better wife, mother, friend, Christian! And Jesus Christ has all the resources in existence. So this is a no brainer, right?
Yes, good health has become my dream. I don’t understand God’s reasons for not having acted yet and am unaware of any good having come from my weaknesses. I ride the roller coaster of hope, fervent prayer, patience, worsening health, doubt, discouragement, feelings of abandonment, anger, humility and repentance, then somehow back into hope. Such has been the cycle for years, until very recently.
One afternoon I was home alone (a rarity), and felt God tugging at my heart even though I had been avoiding him. I resisted the urge to vegetate in front of British television and instead sat down to have it out (thank you, psalmists, for the permission to do this). I basically cried, “Why? Why don’t you heal?” I didn’t really expect an answer but was comforted by his presence and the knowledge that he is able to handle the multi-colored contents of my very human heart.
To my surprise, he had something to say that afternoon. His Spirit clearly spoke these words into the quiet of my spirit: “If I gave you everything you asked for, you would love this world.” Silence. Stunned silence (a rarity). Holy God, he was right. I would love this world and its trinkets. Stellar health would allow me much more enjoyment of it. For the first time, I saw some purpose in the light and momentary afflictions I’ve been dealt. Their fruit is this – I no longer have an affinity for this world. I feel like an alien and stranger. I genuinely long for Christ’s return and regularly anticipate heaven, especially the part about this body taking on incorruptibility! His words sobered me to the fact that I know not what I’m capable of, but apparently really enjoying this life and its allures is a danger from which I’m being protected. God’s denials are good for me. His “no” to fantastic health is a “yes” to my better prayers to be like him and to be found worthy of him.
So God has done a miracle in my life. Illness has given me eyes to see the fool’s gold of this world for what it is, and that’s a remarkable gift. “The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me" (Galatians 2:20). Thank you, Master, for not giving me everything I’ve asked.
Can you trust God when you hear the dreaded "NO"? How have your shattered dreams awakened you to the fact that you're only passing through this little life? How would seeing disappointments this way change your view of God?
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16 Comments
Sue Bohlin
When God Says No
Wow, Sara! I'm recording God's answer to you in my "God sightings" journal.
His refusal to protect us from that which would endear us to the temporal and transient is goodness. It's grace. And only "Holy Spirit eyeballs" can allow us to see that.
Thank you for this wonderful blog post!!
Sara Alexander
Sue, I’m honored! Yes it is
Sue, I'm honored! Yes it is grace, or severe mercies as one author put it. Father really does know best.
Melanie Newton
I so totally agree with Sue
I so totally agree with Sue even though my flesh wants His goodness to allow me more enjoyment of the temporal and transient while waiting for the eternal. Thank you, Sara, for sharing with us God's perspective.
Teresa Box
Sarah, I can really relate! I
Sarah, I can really relate! I can also see how God's done me a favor by not giving me everything I want.I would love the other thing more than God, and it would distract me from Him.Like the loving Parent He is, He gives us the best things,even though we often don't recognize them.There have been instances in my life that He refused to give me the "thing", but later I received from Him a deep peace & contentment & realized I'd rather have that greater gift.
Sara Alexander
Yes, indeed! His peace is
Yes, indeed! His peace is worth everything. Many times I have rehearsed / prayed, "Lord, you are better than X. I would rather have intimacy with you than X." Thanks, Teresa.
Sara Alexander
Thanks for commenting,
Thanks for commenting, Melanie. Yes, my flesh is still very much alive and well and screaming for luxury and comfort. But I'm able to better to pray yet not my will, but yours be done.
Stuart Whitworth
questions
Interesting and certainly food for thought. I really appreciate you posting this.
For my own circumstances, I'm wondering, is it wrong to strive to live well and enjoy the life that God has created here on this earth? Is it wrong to be frustrated that one can't experience the joys that God has created the way that most other people are able to? Is it wrong to then channel that frustration and the desire to live well into a mission to solve one's own physical problems — for the benefit of self and others?
I'm not trying to detract from what you've learned through this situation. I'm only trying to look at it through the lens of my own life circumstances and see what the appropriate application might be.
Thank you again for posting this.
Sara Alexander
Stuart, thanks so much for
Stuart, thanks so much for your thoughts.
No, I don't think it's wrong to try and enjoy what we can in the here and now. I suppose the danger is slipping into a state of expecting / demanding a good time and then being put out when God doesn't come through. It's a fine line. Whatever it is that we desire most can become an idol – more important and sought after than God himself. I am certainly guilty of that.
I don't think it's wrong to be frustrated. This planet is cursed! I think we Americans often forget that because we are able to control so much and live in incredible freedom and luxury. But things are not as they should be. We were created for Eden yet we live east of it. Far east. If it's wrong to be grieved over that, then the psalmists were wrong and so was Christ. He was a "man of sorrows and acquainted with grief" (Isaiah 53). I don't think that's just referring to the cross. During his time on earth, we see him peeved, weeping and angry over the state of human affairs. He did not always have a smile on his face. For me, Jesus' time in Gethsemane is the ultimate model for living well as a human on this trainwreck of a planet. He was real about the agony he felt. He didn't suck it up and say, "I'm blessed. Praise the Lord." I'm not sure anyone else has ever sweated blood for the emotional torture they were enduring. Talk about a breakdown! God's only Son asked for what he wanted, for the cup of crucifixion to be taken from him. Only after he was honest with his Father did he pray what are perhaps the most profound words ever uttered: "Yet not my will, but yours be done." That's where we have to land, in that tension.
And no, I don't think it's wrong to pursue resolution to your health problems with all the resources God gives you. I am still doing that and will continue. The difference is I'm not devastated every time I have a down day. I'm seeing them as powerful reminders that I don't belong here and another world's coming. I still very much want to be fully healed, but his words to me have set me free from feeling so hurt over it. They've changed my perspective so that I no longer feel neglected by him.
I think we have to come to a point, like Daniel's friends, where we can say "I know God can do X, but even if he doesn't…." It's been very helpful for me to face the possibility that he may never heal me this side of heaven. If he doesn't, then what? Am I going to stop following him? No. Like Peter concluded, where else would I go?? He has the words of eternal life. So I better get on with what he's given me to do.
Stuart, you might really enjoy Larry Crabb's Shattered Dreams. It was a game changer for me. God bless you, and I hope you are healed tomorrow!!
Stuart Whitworth
Thanks Sara, I really
Thanks Sara, I really appreciate your response. I will check into that book. Thanks again!
-Stuart
sabrina brant
thanks Sara. you are a gift!
thanks Sara. you are a gift! I especially relate to the self absorption that occurs with chronic illness/fatigue. I am so happy for you that you have an answer. And, i have experienced it is when we finally "let go" that we receive. In other words, by having what we ask for will no longer define us.
Sara Alexander
Good word, Sabrina. Whether
Good word, Sabrina. Whether or not I ever experience total deliverance from my health woes, my identity is not wrapped up in that. Praise God.
Allison Young
Once again, I am blessed by
Once again, I am blessed by your writing, Sara. It's no wonder that my times of greatest spiritual growth occur in the midst of earthly strife and turmoil. As much as we all wish we could maintain our eyes on Him in the good times and the bad, it's just so darn easy to lose sight when the good times are rollin'! The holy yearning for our heavenly lives in communion with our Father is best felt when this world doesn't live up to our expectations and desires.
Sara Alexander
Sad but true, sister.
I sort of wish God would show me where my heart and soul would go if I had everything I desired. It would be sufficiently horrifying, I'm sure.
Brian Marsh
Enjoying God in the right context
Good post Sara! I think you're right on. I've often thought that God made me a wee uglier than George Clooney to spare me from the temptations that would follow. 🙂
Sara Alexander
Ha, ha!
Love it, Brian! But just a wee bit. He's got us both on a short leash. 🙂
Lucille J.G
You have so much more to
You have so much more to praise the Lord for because, no lover and follower of good can look anything but beautiful. True beauty is from the inside. A beautiful face means nothing when when the tongue is ugly. Some of the most special people in my life have an inner beauty that that comes from a passionate, loving and caring heart. If God needs to look at the heart, how much more we should be weary of the outward packing and love because of what is in the heart. But let us pray and never give up on those who journey and final blessed chapter is not yet written.
Thanks for sharing your special answer to prayer, Sara, that truly is a blessing and encouragement to us all! And what a shivering experience to have a Word from the Lord!!!
Blessings