Honey Dos Part Two: Advice to Newlywed Wives

Last post, I gave advice to newlywed husbands; a kind of “cheat-sheet” to avoid pitfalls that some spouses (myself included) have fallen into.

I received some great feedback, and a challenge to dedicate a post on giving advice to newlywed wives. Challenge accepted!

(A frustrated commenter critiqued my last post by saying (I’m paraphrasing here) that a list of dos and don’ts cannot sum up the complexities of marital love and commitment. I presumed this was a given, so his comment caused me to realize that it’s worth emphasizing that this post is not a do-this-and-your-marriage-will-be-perfect formula, but pithy words of wisdom based on Biblical mores and life experience. It’s not a substitute for the Holy Spirit.)

Last post, I gave advice to newlywed husbands; a kind of “cheat-sheet” to avoid pitfalls that some spouses (myself included) have fallen into.

I received some great feedback, and a challenge to dedicate a post on giving advice to newlywed wives. Challenge accepted!

(A frustrated commenter critiqued my last post by saying (I’m paraphrasing here) that a list of dos and don’ts cannot sum up the complexities of marital love and commitment. I presumed this was a given, so his comment caused me to realize that it’s worth emphasizing that this post is not a do-this-and-your-marriage-will-be-perfect formula, but pithy words of wisdom based on Biblical mores and life experience. It’s not a substitute for the Holy Spirit.)

I consulted my sweet husband for inspiration (who deftly and diplomatically gave me pointers) as well as my own past and present mishaps.

• Groom (as in, yourself, not your husband, haha!). Do it as an act of worship and a way to interpret 1 Corinthians 7:4.
• Express your thoughts directly and specifically instead of hinting. Many men don’t get hints, but will enthusiastically respond to direct requests. (It’s unfair to hold your man responsible for things that you don’t tell him.)
• Tell your husband what you admire about him; is he awesome with finances? Can he fix anything that breaks in the house? Does he work hard? Let him know you see him, and you’re impressed.
• Enthusiastically let your husband know that he’s attractive to you, and why. A lot of us women are used to being complimented on our hair, smile, clothes, scent, everything. Men don’t get that kind of affirmation as much, so they bask in it.
• If you really want your husband to do a chore, let him do it. His way. Say it with me: “his way.” Let go.
• Read this.
• Pray for your husband regularly. There are concerns and fears he will grapple with that, to shield you, he may not share with you. Pray that Christ would rule His heart and mind, and bring him to make wise decisions.
• Pray that your husband has good friends. They are some of his most powerful influences, and can spur him on to greatness, or drag him down.
• When God graciously answers and your husband is blessed with good friends, please let him spend time with them. He needs male friends. He needs friends other than you. It’s healthy (and really, this benefits you, too).
• Sometimes you gotta wear the pink bra. You know; the bedazzled one.
• Relentlessly pursue resolution.
• Speak your husband’s language, even when it’s not your native tongue. (For example, my husband loves restoring cars. I don’t share his skill in repairing engines, but I adore his talent because I think it’s useful and poetic to take broken things and make them hum again. I support him in his hobby by buying him special tools that aid in his work. I get to research what he needs and get to appreciate his skills even more.)
• Avoid chronic complaining about your husband with your friends. You wouldn’t want him constantly talking about you behind your back, would you? Plus, your friends will have the stories of your husband’s foibles trapped in their minds long after you and he have patched things up.
• Instead, devise ways to increase your husband’s reputation. Take Proverbs 31:12 as a personal challenge.
• Remember that this is not a competition; it’s a partnership. You don’t win if your husband loses. When he wins (by being encouraged, forgiven, challenged, seduced, fed, prayed over by you), you win.
• Sisters, spend less time fretting and more time flaunting. We slam and insult the bodies that the Lord has given us; bodies that have weathered years, survived cancer, brought forth life, and overcome assault. Bodies that our husbands lovingly chose and excitedly want. Embrace your beauty, and if necessary, repeat Psalm 139:14 and Proverbs 5:19 – this is who you are.
• If you have to close them, avert them, squint them or hide them, avoid rolling your eyes during discussion. The disrespect communicates disinterest, and may cause your husband to shut down.
• Kisses, touches and smiles communicate desire and acceptance in a way words cannot.
• Analyze and adjust your expectations. Your husband is not you; evaluate whether you are holding him accountable or unfairly burdening him with the task of being your twin. (Example: it may be reasonable to expect him to put dishes in the dishwasher, but unreasonable to expect him to place the dishes/glasses/flatware in the dishwasher exactly the way you do.)
• Keep issues in perspective: just because you discover the toilet seat is up during your midnight bathroom run, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. (He’s probably not thrilled to regularly find your hair in the drain, but you love him, right?)
• The best thing you can do for your children (if you decide to have them), is nurture your relationship with your husband. The security that comes from seeing mommy and daddy loving each other is palpable and priceless.

Do you have more advice, ladies and gents? Please do share!