WOMAN SEEKING WOMEN
44yo freak with no kids seeks intrusive adult females for unsolicited fertility counsel ambush at next baby shower. No experience necessary. Accosts in room corners encouraged. Know-It-Alls welcome for prophecies, judgments, original advice, and magical remedies. Leave your Bible at home and we’ll talk some voodoo. Scab picker, salt, and $0.02 required. Come hungry. Alkaline water and Apricot Oyster Patties will be served. First 100 ladies will receive free PermaBond Lip Adhesive.
Why does she respond to your opinionated opinions with a blank stare? Why won't she open up? You're just trying to help. Well, don't fret. I have the remedy.
Like nails on the chalkboard, these are the Ways Women Drive…other women insane. I present to you a guide on how to broach the one topic that is entirely your business. Below you will find a list of more things to ask and say to that barren woman at church you met twice. I think you will find the informative information informative. The best part—these will elicit the answers you deserve. (Warning: Big babies proceed with caution. No pun intended.) Ready? Let's dive in.
· Why don’t you have kids? (Bravo. Good contemplation here.)
· When are you going to have kids? (Another brilliant question. Similar to the first question, I like the implication of omniscience.)
· You’ve never been pregnant? What does your doctor say? (Inquiring minds want to know.)
· Try to just relax and not think about it. (Problem solved. You fixed it.)
· Did you try an ovulation predictor kit? (Good suggestion. She's probably never heard of this device before.)
· Have you considered adoption? (You're good at this.)
· Have you tried alkaline water? (Scientific. I like it. And Google provides such accurate medical information. Did you know fluoride causes cancer? Anyway, don't be surprised if she suggests you try Smart Water.)
· You and your husband should share a bottle of Cabernet to help you relax. (Not a bad suggestion. I'm all for intoxication-conception. Seems to work on prom night.)
· Can I just ask—do you not like kids? (A valid question. Warning: she may try to staple your lips together. Don’t be alarmed. This is a normal reaction.)
· You sure you’re fulfilled and happy without kids? Because some women would have a problem with that. (At this juncture she may wonder if you're happy missing 30 IQ points. Because I would have a problem with that.)
· Does your husband have low sperm count? (Ok, there are no words for this one—but again—the scientific question adds that missing element of tenderness to the conversation.)
· I know I just met you, but I had a vision-dream-epiphany-theophany where the Lord revealed to me that this is your year to conceive. (I don't normally do this, but I need you around for entertainment. So please—read Deuteronomy 18:20-22. It could mean life or death.)
· After the deed, hang from the chandelier suspended by your ankles and count to 500. (A touch of Hollywood. Good one.)
· You did get married late. And now you're old. (And now I suggest you stop talking, lest one of you ends up in jail.)
|Warning: The faint-hearted should proceed with caution. The Tapeworm Gallery has as its main character, Tapeworm, a demon out to undermine Christian women. Inspired by Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, this fiction satire series exposes the author’s interpretation of what a demon might say to a Christian audience. With data collected from current events, the news, articles, theological study, and face-to-face interviews to uncover context and paradigm, the author feels the blog practically writes itself. Enjoy and please comment.