The Tapeworm Gallery: The Pregnant Pause
WOMAN SEEKING WOMEN
44yo freak with no kids seeks intrusive adult females for unsolicited fertility counsel ambush at next baby shower. No experience necessary. Accosts in room corners encouraged. Know-It-Alls welcome for prophecies, judgments, original advice, and magical remedies. Leave your Bible at home and we’ll talk some voodoo. Scab picker, salt, and $0.02 required. Come hungry. Alkaline water and Apricot Oyster Patties will be served. First 100 ladies will receive free PermaBond Lip Adhesive.
Why does she respond to your opinionated opinions with a blank stare? Why won't she open up? You're just trying to help. Well, don't fret. I have the remedy.
Like nails on the chalkboard, these are the Ways Women Drive…other women insane. I present to you a guide on how to broach the one topic that is entirely your business. Below you will find a list of more things to ask and say to that barren woman at church you met twice. I think you will find the informative information informative. The best part—these will elicit the answers you deserve. (Warning: Big babies proceed with caution. No pun intended.) Ready? Let's dive in.
· Why don’t you have kids? (Bravo. Good contemplation here.)
· When are you going to have kids? (Another brilliant question. Similar to the first question, I like the implication of omniscience.)
· You’ve never been pregnant? What does your doctor say? (Inquiring minds want to know.)
· Try to just relax and not think about it. (Problem solved. You fixed it.)
· Did you try an ovulation predictor kit? (Good suggestion. She's probably never heard of this device before.)
· Have you considered adoption? (You're good at this.)
· Have you tried alkaline water? (Scientific. I like it. And Google provides such accurate medical information. Did you know fluoride causes cancer? Anyway, don't be surprised if she suggests you try Smart Water.)
· You and your husband should share a bottle of Cabernet to help you relax. (Not a bad suggestion. I'm all for intoxication-conception. Seems to work on prom night.)
· Can I just ask—do you not like kids? (A valid question. Warning: she may try to staple your lips together. Don’t be alarmed. This is a normal reaction.)
· You sure you’re fulfilled and happy without kids? Because some women would have a problem with that. (At this juncture she may wonder if you're happy missing 30 IQ points. Because I would have a problem with that.)
· Does your husband have low sperm count? (Ok, there are no words for this one—but again—the scientific question adds that missing element of tenderness to the conversation.)
· I know I just met you, but I had a vision-dream-epiphany-theophany where the Lord revealed to me that this is your year to conceive. (I don't normally do this, but I need you around for entertainment. So please—read Deuteronomy 18:20-22. It could mean life or death.)
· After the deed, hang from the chandelier suspended by your ankles and count to 500. (A touch of Hollywood. Good one.)
· You did get married late. And now you're old. (And now I suggest you stop talking, lest one of you ends up in jail.)
|Warning: The faint-hearted should proceed with caution. The Tapeworm Gallery has as its main character, Tapeworm, a demon out to undermine Christian women. Inspired by Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis, this fiction satire series exposes the author’s interpretation of what a demon might say to a Christian audience. With data collected from current events, the news, articles, theological study, and face-to-face interviews to uncover context and paradigm, the author feels the blog practically writes itself. Enjoy and please comment.