The Tapeworm Gallery: To the Republic for Which it Stands

            Five more days and I’m giddy like a high school cheerleader who just made a C+ on an Algebra test. Can’t wait to see the outcome of months of campaigning—and decades of moral decay. I have found the debates more entertaining than a pastor getting busted for child porn. And now it’s down to two skunks competing in a pissing match. I haven’t enjoyed a US presidential campaign this much since 1860. A little division goes a long way. But don’t fret. I’m not. Because this time…I win either way.

            Never mind the issues. A presidential candidate cannot possess both good and bad qualities. So vote just as you always do—with eyes and ears closed. That’s what I love about you evangelicals—such deep thinkers. You have more allegiance to your political party than you do to actual people.

            What’s that now? You can’t decide how to vote? Let me assist you…

            Vote for “What Emails?” if…

            …you enjoy the excitement of FBI investigations, you have pigmented skin and/or grab-able body parts, or you just want to see a woman for president. The Oval Office needs a change in genitalia. This matters more than the thriving economy. The NonAffordable Care Act should implode any moment now. In the meantime, you’ll have health insurance. And plenty of money to buy groceries.

            She does help children, though. (Especially the unborn.) And she’s got some solid “All-Nails-on-Chalkboard-Talk” plans for unemployment, crime, substandard schools, and poverty. She’s experienced. She’s passionate. But most important, she’s honest. (Just don’t give her a laptop.)   

            So if One Nation under God is what you want, then vote for Her.

            Whoa Nelly! A person cannot follow Christ and vote Democrat.   

            Well, you can vote for “Two Corinthians” if…

            …you want the minute-to-win-it pro-lifer, a compassionate public servant who loves God more than money, you stand with right wing nut jobs, or you just love orange. This “Just Grab ‘Em by the *****” nobleman is also a cultured man who can articulate the difference between Hindu and Hindi, and is known to bring out the best in people. (Like the Texas Agricultural Commissioner.) And the KKK loves him. Because only He will protect you and make the country safe (#ethnicpurge). You don’t need all ‘dem dang foreigners with their goofy languages contaminating your country. There are some bad hombres out there (#makeamericawhiteagainexceptthatitneverwas). And just like Jesus, He has great interest in the poor, and will care for the sick free of charge.

            Maybe you have grown tired of politicians with their empty promises. It’s time for a change—on a narcissistic Tower of Babel level. So if Indivisible with Liberty and Justice for All is what you want, then vote for Him. Because no one respects women more than he does.

            Well, I hope that clarified things. Either way, America will be dining at my place. I’ll go set the dinner table. Speaking of America…and I hate to be the one to point this out…but I think America gets mentioned in the Bible—like never. So while Jesus focuses on a place I hope you never see, I’ll keep your focus right here…on America.  

Peace in the Middle East,

Tapeworm