Advice to First-Time Moms-to-Be from a Learning Mother
Warning: I am not a professional. Before I lose another brain cell, however, I wish to impart this advice – hard-earned, or regrettably ignored. I hope you learn from my mistakes and find more joy in the last months of pregnancy and first months of motherhood.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
Warning: I am not a professional. Before I lose another brain cell, however, I wish to impart this advice – hard-earned, or regrettably ignored. I hope you learn from my mistakes and find more joy in the last months of pregnancy and first months of motherhood.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far:
Pre-Delivery
- Never register for nursery stuff alone. It's pretty foreign. Take a veteran mom, always wear comfortable shoes, and if you can, treat yourself to lunch afterwards in a restaurant with cozy chairs.
- If you’re feeling overwhelmed with what to purchase, know that this is normal. As long as the baby has food from you or formula, a few outfits to wear, diapers, a sturdy car seat, and a soft and safe place to sleep, the baby will be fine.
- Go on vacation or stay-cation with your honey. It’s so worth it.
- Schedule a prenatal massage appointment to soothe those aches and pains!
- Keep a record of your pregnancy – through journaling, pictures, or your unique expression of remembrance.
- Pray for your OB, nurses, delivery team. Pray for your growing baby. Pray about your child’s name (and its meaning). Pray that the hormones won’t become the third member of your marriage (my husband is saying “amen” somewhere!).
- If you give birth at a hospital, know that as soon as you’re admitted, you won’t be allowed to eat. So, if you can bear it, stay at home for a while, take a shower, get some Chick Fil A, and learn how to breathe through your contractions for a while. The hospital food is an awful let down after all that hungry laboring.
- I’m sure prenatal classes helped someone, but that someone wasn’t me. I wish I had invested instead in having my husband take some massage classes!
- If you can, preregister for hospital admission so you don’t have to fill out paperwork while you’re in labor.
Packing for Delivery
- Make lists before you need them. Whether you give birth in a birthing center, a hospital, or at home, it’s better to decide in advance what music, people, and technology you want with you.
- Pick out a cute post-partum night gown for your visits (and that nursing tank or bra will come in handy, too) – you want to look cute in those post-delivery pictures. And on that note…
- Keep a hair tie or scarf, mascara, blush and gloss handy at all times for impromptu visits and pictures.
- You didn’t hear this from me, but…take snacks. Make sure your husband or coach doesn’t eat them all.
- Pray, knowing that God knows what's coming even if you don't. (This experience gave me SUCH perspective on how Eve might have felt while giving birth to TWINS!)
Post-Partum
- If you give birth in a hospital, take every single diaper, wipe, and changing pad home with you. You paid for it. (Ladies, reply and let me know if birthing centers give supplies, too?)
- Be your own advocate; ask questions, let nurses know if you are in pain, and don’t leave the hospital without assurance that you are as informed as you can be.
- Consider renting an industrial breast pump (like the Medela Symphony) if you plan on breast feeding. Sometimes (especially after c-sections) it takes a while to establish your milk supply. Try not to let other people scare you about this (stress also affects your milk supply).
- Your OB might tell you that using an abdominal binder won’t make a difference, or that it’s an old wives’ tale to use one post-partum (or maybe you’ve never heard of the concept!). Use one anyway; it’s great to feel “held together” and provides great back support (and my tummy thanked me, too).
- Say “yes” to every offer of help, meals, cleaning, and pampering. Kill your pride before sleep deprivation kills you.
- Seek advice from experienced parents (adoptive, too!), so you realize how normal it is to forget what you were supposed to do when you got to the kitchen…again, or haven’t showered in three days, or hate your husband and/or friends for being able to leave the house. Normal? Yes, normal.
- Pray for patience, endurance, compassion, endurance, grace, endurance…
- Understand that you are unique and so is your child. Don’t let anyone intimidate you into adopting their parenting style. (This gets challenging with all the expectations well-meaning people will have of you, based on their own experiences.) Similarly, don’t bother comparing yourself to others. You’ll just make yourself miserable, and that’s time better spent sleeping or showering.
- Nurse in bed.
- Task your husband or relative or friend with some feedings so they get to bond with the baby, and you get to rest. You can't do everything.
- Talk to your husband. Date your husband. Connect with your husband. Cultivate the marriage at all costs; you committed to him before the child was born, and by God's grace, you’ll be with him after that child leaves the house.
- If you are an unmarried mother, build yourself a support network. It takes a village!
- If you don’t want to take the baby out because it’s easier to stay at home, by all means stay at home. If you want to take the baby out, and it’s safe for you and baby, then do so. If you don’t want to have a baby sitter for a while, or if you want to space out your child’s vaccinations, or if you don't know whether you should circumcise; weigh the options, and make a decision. Welcome to parenting. You can do this.
- The stress of going from a free-wheeling woman to somebody’s mother is much, much greater than folks admit. If you need professional help to transition, good for you for seeking it out. If you are like me and went from working full-time, to being a stay-at-home mom, that transition can be even more challenging. Make sure that when you can (and that day WILL come!), you build into yourself by staying involved in the things that interest you. You are a woman and a child of God, always.
- Beware of Competitive Mommies: their judgment and constant comparing of your child's toys, growth and development, or even your weight-loss journey are a drain on your precious time and brain power. These mommies are insecure and unable to express their fear and doubt freely. Pray for them – but keep your distance until you can minister to them without exasperation.
- When you see laughing, fresh-faced mothers who make their own baby food and deftly (and quietly…and free of poop) whisk their children around church, grocery stores, movies, and museums after mommy-and-me yoga, know that they, too, were once scared, sleepy, and disheveled (Or they had nannies and a wet nurse). Know, too, that someday soon someone will be looking at you and wishing they had it all together.
If you have encouraging advice that you want to share, reply to this post; help us new moms and moms-to-be. Did you give birth at home or at a birthing center? If so, please add your perspective. Are you a first-time adoptive mommy? Share your tips with us.
Sharifa Stevens
Sharifa Stevens is a Manhattan-born, Bronx-raised child of the King, born to Jamaican immigrants, and currently living in Dallas. Sharifa's been singing since she was born. Her passion is to serve God's kingdom by leading His people in worship through music, speaking and writing, and relationships with people. Her heart is also unity, inspired by John. Sharifa hates exercise but likes Chipotle, bagels with a schmeer and lox, salmon sushi, chicken tikka, curried goat (yeah, it's good) with rice and peas, and chocolate lava cakes. She's been happily married to Jonathan since 2006...and he buys her Chipotle.
16 Comments
Tricia Scruggs
*tears* of Thanksgiving
First, thank you Lord for imparting these words to this fantabulous mom! Second, Sharifa thank you for sharing these hard-earned lessons and heart-felt advice. Don't know if it's the pregnancy hormones or what, but I teared up reading this one. Now, I feel a bit more… hm… empowered as a first-time-mom-to-be, informed too. Hugs
PS-Can you take a look at my registry. LOL I"m sure there's stuff on there we don't need and it's likely missing stuff we'll definitely need. 🙂
Sharifa Stevens
Teary-Eyed Myself!
Tricia,
Thanks. :o) I would be HAPPY to look through your registry!
And believe me, I understand the tears. I guess I'm still hormonal! And…boy do I have a PASSION that no woman in my circle feels the valley/pit of emotions that I worked through. Hearing you say that you feel empowered makes my heart SO glad!
Mandi
Wonderful!
Sharifa, what a wonderful perspective to share with other mommas! So much of what you said rings perfectly true with my experience as a first-time mom, but I did not realize at the time how common it was to feel those difficult emotions. To hear other women say "motherhood is hard", or the newborn stage is "tiresome", is useless. The highs and lows are beyond those simple words, and a more transparent reflection like yours is priceless. Thank you, and good job!
Sharifa Stevens
Transparency…
Transparency tends to make one feel vulnerable, doesn't it? I think that's why many folks turn to more generic terms like, "hard" and "tiresome" (UNDERstatements!!!). That and they probably fear being judged as less than perfect for having trying experiences. And I don't blame them for that; have you noticed how hard it is to gauge your progress as a mother? How do you know you're doing well? I think we are so hungry for affirmation, and I thank God for generous men and women in my life who knew that and encouraged me even before I was able to receive it.
Do you have any advice to add, Mandi? If so, please share! :o)
Wilmar M
Moving! Daring! Truthful!
For a couple of times there, I couldn't stop the tears! Specially when you mention unmarried mothers…. I have the utmost respect now for women whose circumstances make them raise a child alone. As a fortunate man married to a wonderful mother I get so exhausted and frustrated with the duties of parenthood, and I'm not doing a fraction of the job a mother has to!
Our experience was very different, having birthed both children at home; yet in many emotional aspects, very similar. I find a lot of value in your words as they remind me or teach me things I am embarrassed to ask my wife nowadays (she might have already mentioned it and I forgotten it, so…no, i won't ask her again!!!) and that'll be helpful over the next couple of months.
You said this in specific lines, but to generalize, I'd say "bring your heart to G-d…then just do your conscious best effort, and peace, you are a very imperfect mother." Since conception, a woman had in her the biological identity that would make her a mother, so a woman has it IN her, not OUTSIDE of her, how to be the best mother she can be.
The toughest moments for me have been those when I didn't live up to my expectations of being the best father ever! Now, back to the "partum" stage, my only two cents would be that women ask specific tasks from their husbands. You mention to "say yes to every offer of help", and that is excellent advice, but when we husbands (or at least I) offer to help, I don't know exactly what to do (I'm overwhelmed by the birth as well), so specifically asking what to clean, what to cook (or buy) and when to do (right now!) something is helpful and a tension-reliever for both, I'd say.
Your line that moved me the most: "pray for your child's name (and its meaning)". it'll be with them forever, and I am anxiously awaiting the days when i can explain my children the many reasons we chose the names we did for them, and what a privilege it is to have that power to name them!
Sharifa Stevens
Honey-Do
Wilmar, I am so glad you brought your experience to this post! First off, thanks for being really clear about the importance of ASKING for help. I was really poor at that in general, but I specifically needed improvement in asking my husband for help. I assumed that because he lived with me (and the dirty dishes and the mounting pile of laundry and the dusty floors and unvacuumed carpets), that he would just KNOW stuff. You're right; it's better to be direct, and if necessary, repetitive, in making specific and clear requests. This is such an invaluable point, Wilmar – thanks for surfacing it! When I think of the courage that it takes to be a single mother…phew. They need encouragement and care and love. Isn't it humbling to NAME another human being? What a sacred responsibility. I wanted my little one's name to always remind him that he is regal, dignified, and courageous. Every time anyone says his name, they and he will associate it with conquering lions and kings.
laura.murray
necessities …
love this blog!
okay, some necessities beyond diapers/onesies
– kiddopotamus swaddler (with velcro and stuff) – BEST swaddler out there (haven't tried miracle blanket or others, but these were a LIFE SAVER)
– a lactation consultant is your best friend – for everything
amen to nursing in bed – don't understand why people don't do this? my husband would get up with the crying baby in the morning, changed his diaper and allow me to wake up, bring him to me and then he got food. it was awesome!
Sharifa Stevens
Oh, Yeah!
Laura,
You are soooo right. Thank you for talking about swaddling! I used the Miracle Blanket and my little one neeeever got used to it (but slept so much better in it after the initial protestations).
Lactation Consultant – YES! Take advantage of that if you give birth in a hospital! AND, your OB can prescribe a visit if you're having issues, too. GOOD addition!
Nursing in bed was tricky at first, but then SO restful.
I also recommend a bouncy seat!
Tina Vars
I don’t have words to describe…
…what a catalyst of positivity you are to others who are suffering through various experiences. I'm not even a mother, and how your article has ministered to me!
The Lord has blessed you immensely with a gift of empathy. I'm not sure what spiritual gift that would be, honestly. Mercy (Romans 12.8)? Surely.
But even if that were your only gift. I cannot remark enough at how coinciding it is with your heart, or as you stated, "PASSION" to make aware others around you, who may or may not be as sensitive to the suffering of others or within themselves.
I am simply amazed, Sharifa, with the heart/mind our Lord has given you.
Thank you for being such an encouragement to so many.
Love,
TV
Sharifa Stevens
there you go…
…making me cry.
My words to you?
It takes one (empathetic, compassionate, gifted, godly, and persevering) one to know one.
Your words are so timely and encouraging. You just don't even know.
Thank YOU. (You're BIG TIME in my prayers today.)
love,
Sharifa
Lenita
so timely
All I can say is praise the Lord for you my friend, what wisdom and courage. I appreciate the vulnerability and insight, what a treasure.
Sharifa Stevens
Thank you, sister-friend. :o)
Thank you, sister-friend. :o)
Lisa T.
Listen and then “chuck it” if necessary
Thanks, Sharifa, for the insights. I think all new moms would benefit from this. I know I would have. The only thing I would like to add is that as much as we new moms read books, do endless internet searches, and ask for advice, our birthing experience will not follow anyone else's pattern. God has crafted a birthing experience specifically for us. Go ahead, research, but also allow God to step in and rock your world.
Sharifa Stevens
GOOD Point
Lisa, I am so glad you added your two cents – and it's definitely not getting "chucked"!
I couldn't have said it better myself; 'Go ahead, research, but also allow God to step in and rock your world."
I would add, let Him heal you, too. My birth experience was traumatic, and I still feel the sting of disappointment, violation, letting others down (I got a lot of "you're strong enough not to get an epidural or a c-section. Real women give birth only this [fill in the blank] way"), and "why me, Lord?" I don't know why me, but I do know that I am still standing from the experience, praise God, and whole again.
Sue Bohlin
Mama Sharifa
WOWZA, Sharifa! What an excellent blog post! It's one thing to encourage other mamas–quite another to be so amazingly articulate in how you do it. This is one of the very best Tapestry posts I've seen since we started it!
I hear the hard-won tone of overcoming in your words. You've processed a lot of stuff (and some junk as well) along the way. Way to go! Way to speak the truth in love!
I just want to add one thing about involving Daddy with tasks. Men, being task-oriented, love a list with specific, understandable things they can accomplish. It lets them be the hero they were designed to be. And when you ask him and he forgets or gets distracted, instead of getting frustrated and feeding the self-pity monster ("If he really loved me, he would know that the unvacuumed carpet is driving me insane, he'd see it and do something about it without being asked!!!"), ask him again as if you were asking the first time. That is a way to be a grace-giver and still communicate what you would like him to do without attacking the oneness you want and need.
Love you!
Sharifa Stevens
The Bathroom Mirror…
Sue,
I'm going to put that last paragraph on the bathroom mirror of my mind, in permanent marker…especially the "ask as if for the first time" part…because boy, can I ask with a lot of, um, intensity. :o)
Thanks for your encouraging words, Sue! You are one of the people who held my head up above water when I thought I was drowning. Thank you.