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Infertility: People Say the Dumbest Things
Yesterday I received an email from a former seminary student of mine who told me his 29-year-old wife considers the past twelve months her hardest yet. Why? Because they’re going through the martial, emotional, spiritual, medical, ethical crisis of infertility. Complicating the pain for many couples, this one included, is the dumb things people say. For some reason the subject of infertility, more than many other medical conditions, is surrounded by myths. So let’s lay a few to rest. Myth: Infertility and sterility are the same thing. Infertility is not sterility. Infertility is the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected relations and/or the inability to carry a pregnancy…
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The Struggle with Infertility
In my last post, I talked about how to make Mother’s Day better for those who mourn, including people experiencing involuntary childlessness. Now that Mother’s Day is behind us, let’s think about how to make church a more supportive environment for those experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss. Dr. Julie Shannon did her dissertation on remaining childless after infertility; I’ve published a few books on infertility and pregnancy loss. So Dr. Darrell Bock, host of The Table Podcast, sat down with Dr. Shannon and me to talk about this topic that is do near to our hearts. For more on how to comfort those experiencing infertility, see my post, Infertility: People…
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What Not to Say: Adoption
The power of words to hurt and offend seems limitless, as Sandra Glahn and I have learned both in life and in the comments from our blogs about “what not to say.” [See Infertility: People Say the Dumbest Things and What Not to Say When Someone is Grieving.] I came across a new list of What Not to Say About Adoption from a single dad blogger. With some editing, here is his contribution: Single Dad Laughing’s Guide to Adoption Etiquette. 1. Never, ever, ever, ask how much a child costs. This includes the phrase, “How much did you pay for him?” First of all, it’s none of your business. Second…
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The Comparison Trap!
A few weeks ago me and some of the church staff flew out to Phoenix and attended a church planters conference. The whole experience of going to a conference and filling my head with tons of information has always been a love/hate thing. I love flying and getting out of the office for a little while. I love going to different places and seeing new things and I love to hear great speakers and glean from their knowledge. In addition, I usually get to eat well and enjoy the company of my coworkers in a more relaxed casual environment. I usually learn a lot from the flood of…
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Dumb . . . or Dangerous?
The latest video to go viral, at least in the Christian sphere, is a clip of Victoria Osteen at the massive Lakewood Church in Houston, followed immediately by a completely out-of-context (but hilarious) snippet from The (Bill) Cosby Show. Here is the transcript of her 33-second message: “I just want to encourage every one of us to realize when we obey God, we’re not doing it for God–I mean, that’s one way to look at it–we’re doing it for ourselves, because God takes pleasure when we’re happy. That’s the thing that gives Him the greatest joy this morning. So I want you to know this morning, just do good for…
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Infertility and Mother’s Day: Where Are the Mourners?
Next Sunday is Mother’s Day. M-Day for infertile couples. The most-dreaded day of the year. One of my former teaching assistants, Benji Bruneel, is now a youth pastor in California, and he sent me the following about Mother’s Day. I am posting it for your edification with his permission because it’s totally relevant to our ministries this week. (Benji’s journey prompted me to post this column about infertility last year.) As a new father, I have the privilege this May of celebrating my beloved’s new role in life: mother. This month will mark the first time that we have ever celebrated Mother’s Day as a family of three. It will also mark the first…
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What Not To Say When Someone is Grieving
Last week my dear friend Sandi Glahn wrote another boffo blog post about the myths of infertility, which included some of the dumb things people say. It may be insensitivity or a lack of education that spurs people to say things that are unhelpful at the least and downright hurtful much of the time. I still remember my own daggers to the heart after our first baby died nine days after her birth. And for the past several years, I have been collecting actual quotes said to those already in pain. So here’s my current list of What Not To Say when someone is hurting: Don’t start any sentence with…
