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The Tapeworm Gallery: Tall Tales
I see you putting the last touches on your Sunday school lesson on Genesis 2 and 3. Lots to cover in one hour. But you can do it. Glancing over your notes, I ought to point out a few technicalities. Hope you don't mind. God made everything. He declared everything he made as good. And he made Adam and Eve—very good. That lasted. But remember that infamous tree? He and your type have fussed over it for centuries. Anyhoo…interesting that he planted it smack in the middle of the garden. That thing was as hidden as a stripper pole dancing during…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Something New Under the Sun
December 31 has arrived, though not soon enough. You've counted down the days for Crabatha's departure. I succeeded in keeping you perpetually irritated with her (and Mark) these past nine weeks. I know you will miss her lemon face and nails-on-chalkboard nagging. But no worries. I have someone else in the cue to prick your sensitivities. So keep forgetting Jesus, and keep focusing on your rights. Speaking of rights, I saw your list—your 2016 Happiness Umbrella of Needs, Goals, Entitlements, and Resolutions. Adorable. I see you want to stop living in the past. Great idea. I prefer you keep your eyes on the…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Ten Effective Ways to Help Heathens Love Jesus
Between smart phone Bibles and Hollywood churning out a new R-rated movie every seventeen seconds, the world is spiraling downward too fast. Christian living is losing ground in America, as more millennials leave the church. Before you know it, Christian and Grace will be praying standing upright. Can you stop it? No. But you can slow down the process. Here are ten things you can do to make people want to come to church, and help bring the lost to Jesus. I know you have tried most of these already. Keep plugging away. Don’t give up. 1. Memorize Leviticus. 2. Lose the contact information for any socially inept visitor to your…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Candy-Coated Catnap
October 29. Just hearing someone utter "pumpkin" gets you giddy like a high school cheerleader. But not this year… Despite what Pastor Mike says, Grace and Christian should attend the Monsters' Ball. They will make a fine vampire-ballerina and zombie-policeman for this innocuous school dance. Besides, they haven't dressed up since grade school. People need to relax with the whole "Halloween is evil" bit. Since when is fun a bad thing? Since half-baked, fanatic, church weirdos said so? Just don't let their Halloween pictures land on Facebook. You don't need Pastor Mike's wife getting into your business . . . again. Speaking of meddling . . . your dread pirate mother-in-law,…
