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The Tapeworm Gallery: Against Flesh and Blood
NEWSFLASH: Man with Immigrant Wife Elected President by Multitude of Bigots. #classic. But is he racist? Who cares? I don’t need him to be the poster child for jingoism. I just need him to maintain speeches of eloquent diplomacy. So ladies, lock up your ******* because there’s a new sheriff in town. And with him marks the end of civility in the public square. I’ve waited 240 years for this. Since the election, I have kicked back with endless bags of BOOMCHICKAPOP Holidrizzle to watch the show. (Love their Pumpkin Spice flavor.) Forget political parties. The Neo-Nazis have their megaphones back, and now…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: To the Republic for Which it Stands
Five more days and I’m giddy like a high school cheerleader who just made a C+ on an Algebra test. Can’t wait to see the outcome of months of campaigning—and decades of moral decay. I have found the debates more entertaining than a pastor getting busted for child porn. And now it’s down to two skunks competing in a pissing match. I haven’t enjoyed a US presidential campaign this much since 1860. A little division goes a long way. But don’t fret. I’m not. Because this time…I win either way. Never mind the issues. A presidential candidate cannot possess both good and bad…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Freedom
I see you signed up for another round of Celebrate Recovery at the church two towns over. Still angry and bruised, ha? I knew it. I think you should do CR again. It worked wonders the first time—especially for that anxiety and depression. So go ahead and rehash all your resentments, guilt, shame, anger and fear that stem from your wholesome childhood. Because I enjoy watching you run in circles. I meant to ask, how’s your narcissistic mother doing? Tell her hello for me. And that I said, “Thanks,” for leaving you emotionally emaciated. I get why you don’t feel like praying. Talking…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Empty
Your Bible is just where I like it—on your nightstand covered in dust. You have power to make me flee. Yet you never do. What I want most of yours He won’t let me have. So I’ll settle for your time and attention. You make it so easy I can hardly take credit for it, though. By the way, your nail polish is chipping again. And time to redo the extensions on those perfectly normal eyelashes. Because every forty-year-old woman deserves the dark lush lashes of a teenager. Who cares what Mark says? They look natural to me. Besides, letting a non-medically trained kid approach your…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: And the Oscar Goes To…
Psst. Hey, it's me—Tapeworm. I know we haven't talked in a while. I've been laying low. But don’t worry. I'm still watching you. Especially at that country club you call church. You know? The Center for Keeping Up with the Jones's a.k.a. Gossip Coalition? God is so pleased. This just in: Your moral and ethical rule-keeping have earned you brownie points inside the pearly gates. I heard some talk in the stellar places about God installing a pool at your heavenly mansion. I also noticed the GC presented you with a recognition plaque for leading Women's Bible Study. By the way, how's…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: The Pregnant Pause
WOMAN SEEKING WOMEN 44yo freak with no kids seeks intrusive adult females for unsolicited fertility counsel ambush at next baby shower. No experience necessary. Accosts in room corners encouraged. Know-It-Alls welcome for prophecies, judgments, original advice, and magical remedies. Leave your Bible at home and we’ll talk some voodoo. Scab picker, salt, and $0.02 required. Come hungry. Alkaline water and Apricot Oyster Patties will be served. First 100 ladies will receive free PermaBond Lip Adhesive. *** Why does she respond to your opinionated opinions with a blank stare? Why won't she open up? You're just trying to help. Well, don't fret. I have the remedy. Like nails on the chalkboard,…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Keep Church Normal
I saw your church had a savory visitor on Sunday. That was some big hair—any tiny shorts. Well, she did mention she hadn't attended church in years. Shocking. Someone should have told her the church with the leather-pants preacher is up the street. And that the hookers' convention comes to town next weekend. I sensed your surprise mixed with disappointment at her desire to return next week—and your fear over her excitement to bring her friends. Tattooed, pierced strippers and LGBT's, no doubt. You know—the people too despicable for people, but not too despicable for God. The church will have to Scotch Guard…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Effective Ways to Minister to Women in Pain
As a women's ministry leader, you will encounter women struggling with all sorts of life circumstances. Whether you encounter those suffering "big T" Trauma or "little t" trauma, you will need to employ the most beneficial words or ideas. Timing is everything. The following suggestions have been successful for hundreds of years. I pray you put them to good use. · Distribute invalidation the way a state trooper hands out speeding tickets. To conserve energy try eye-rolling. · Give pat answers about her struggles. Examples: "God hates divorce," "God is bigger than your situation," "Trust and obey for there's no other way," "You need to submit to your husband,"…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Unequally Yoked
What's this I hear? Grace—dating one of them? I bet that got your panties in a wad. And it all started on the MLK holiday when he ran into her at the mall? You don't say. Why does the school even observe the MLK holiday? There are at most ten of them in the whole school. Anyway, you've got to put a stop to this before her father finds out. Lucky for her, her grandfather lies six feet under. Hope he doesn't jump forth from his grave. At least it's not one of those. With those winning the Miss America…
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The Tapeworm Gallery: Tall Tales
I see you putting the last touches on your Sunday school lesson on Genesis 2 and 3. Lots to cover in one hour. But you can do it. Glancing over your notes, I ought to point out a few technicalities. Hope you don't mind. God made everything. He declared everything he made as good. And he made Adam and Eve—very good. That lasted. But remember that infamous tree? He and your type have fussed over it for centuries. Anyhoo…interesting that he planted it smack in the middle of the garden. That thing was as hidden as a stripper pole dancing during…
